So much has happened these last two weeks and so many thoughts have been going through my mind, that they have all started to intertwine like the peas and pole beans in my garden, but I need to write them down so I can try and make sense of it all and remember, again and again, how all of these recent experiences have made me search, ponder and pray and have ultimately strengthened my testimony.
Two Fridays ago Lori, Renee, Marg, Liz and I went out to lunch to very belatedly celebrate the twins birthday. It was fun to get together and talk about what is going on in each others lives, though it seems like these outings always end too quickly and we are so distracted by the lunch itself that we never really get to talk about anything deeply and it leaves me feeling unfilled. But, the confused young man that Mom and Dad have seen at church and around town came up, and it got me thinking about my reactions and judgments of people.
I grew up sheltered and as I have become independent I have continued to consciously shelter myself from the "world". I had to take Mikayla to a 3 day Boise Youth Spectacular at B.S.U. on the Thursday previous to the luncheon and so I had taken the rest of my children with me so we could go to Julia Davis park for a few hours, since we rarely take the kids to Boise. However, I realized as soon as I stepped out of my car that my comfort level plummeted. I didn't know any of the hundreds of people there, but all of the skin and tattoo's and language immediately made me want to protect my family. From what? I didn't feel danger; it was just that the sphere of the Spirit felt so small and I noticed that I felt very vulnerable, like a little child who's in a strange place. That probably doesn't make any sense, but there it is.
Thus the start of intermingling vines. So with this Thursday experience in mind, as we are talking on Friday, I listened to the thoughts of my sisters and wondered what I would do if I were Mom and Dad--how would I react to behavior that is so estranged from knowledge of individual worth and divine nature. Would I recoil and turn inward, like I'm prone to do with media influences or would I act differently if it were up front and personal. It was disturbing me. By Friday night all those thoughts had left my mind as it became filled with concern for Jordan. Luke, one of his roommates, called scared, and told us that Jordan kept losing consciousness and was becoming disoriented. Fred talked with him and found that Jordan had gone home from work early on Thursday because he was feeling ill. He became extremely nauseous that night and didn't get much rest and stayed home from work on Friday, not being able to keep anything, including water, down the entire time. Fred assessed that he must be extremely dehydrated and asked the boys to give him a blessing and then rush him in to the emergency room to get some fluids back in his body. The entire ordeal took about 3 hours as Luke continued to call us and report on what was happening until he was discharged.and what the doctors were saying. I was just holding my breath, feeling so helpless and hoping that they wouldn't find something serious. The doctors had told us that he just had a very bad stomach flu and sent him home with an anti-nausea prescription, so that he would be able to stay hydrated. I know he is an 18 year old young man and that he was in such good hands with his roommates who are dear, loyal friends, but I wanted to hold his hand and take care of him and yet I couldn't rationalize the cost of rushing down when he didn't need me (I just needed him).
Saturday morning Fred and I had a temple assignment, and I had such a hard time keeping my thoughts from wandering to Jordan and for some reason to this young man in Mom and Dad's mission--back and forth--back and forth. And when I finally got into the celestial room where I wasn't fighting those thoughts a scripture came into my mind, "the well need no physician", and for a few minutes I felt for this young man what I was feeling for my boy and was so grateful that Jordan had not been left on his own--that kind and concerned people were surrounding him making sure to offer whatever they could to heal him--that his roommates were more concerned a bout his recovery than avoiding his germs and that they stayed by him until there was nothing more that they could do. I shared my thoughts with Fred on the drive back home and he shared with me how his love for people, "whether they be a bum in the alley or a man of power filled with pride and haughtiness" by the end of his mission had been the same as a dear friend and how it was seared into his heart that he was to try and save all souls. We finally ended up in the parking lot of stores where we had errands, me with tears of gratitude for being blessed to feel a little bit of Heavenly Father's love for all his children and with the weight of knowing that I am a selfish coward when it comes to sharing the gospel. I have not gained courage from that experience but I have a deeper understanding of my duty as I have pondered over and over a talk that Fred reminded me that Pres. Eyring gave about my brothers and sisters coming to me on the other side and asking me why I didn't share what I had. It has pricked my hard heart and given me the desire to pray for courage and compassion.
Weaving back in-- Jordan remained home over the weekend with us checking on him daily and Fred reminding him to drink lots of gator aid, so he could keep his electrolytes up to a healthy level. The flu just seemed to go on and on and he still had no appetite on Monday, but decided he needed to cowboy up and get back to work. By Tuesday he was still feeling poorly and when Dillon (another roommate) called me for an unrelated reason, late Tuesday afternoon, he said Jordan was out working but had been having dizzy spells. Not 30 minutes later, Dillon called back and told Fred that he had just been informed that Jordan was involved in a car accident. He said he was on his way to the scene and didn't know anything except that the firemen had told him Jordan was talking. Of course my mind was frantic, but Fred's calm, methodical presence kept me rooted. Dillon called back 10 minutes later and said that he was at the scene but the whole area was blocked off and they wouldn't let anyone in, but had been told that Jordan had driven off the road, that no one else was involved, that the car was totaled and that they were going to have to cut him out, but he was still talking and seemed to be fine. He called back again when they had Jordan out and told us that he was strapped to a gurney and had just been put in an ambulance. As they were traveling, the paramedics called and talked to Fred and reassured us that he seemed to be stable but they were going to take him in for tests to make sure he hadn't sustained internal injuries. After he had undergone lab work and a CT scan, he was cleared for release with only a bruise and swelling on one side of his forehead, a bruise on his hip and some cuts on his forearm that were glued shut. The policemen said he shouldn't have come out of there at all. Dillion called back at that point and put his phone on speaker so Jordan could talk to us and then all of my brave faces cracked and the flood gates came flying open. You want to be the strong one and be able to give comfort--after all, I am a Mother! And yet, I am a Mother. He said he was fine--he sounded vulnerable. He said he was fine--he sounded humble. I didn't say I was fine--I wasn't. And still he said, "don't come". How could I not! The next morning he said, "don't come, I'm fine"--he sounded good. I didn't. He said, get on the web cam and you can see that I'm fine". I tried, it wouldn't work. I called Fred and told him I thought we should go down and he said I needed to respect Jordan's wishes, that Jordan would feel responsible for the cost of the trip, when it wasn't "necessary" and that I needed to let Jordan make these choices. But I am a Mother!!!.......and I know he's right....... and I don't want him to be right. So I gathered up my children and we went to the temple. Mikayla and Eden went in and did a baptismal session and Abrahm, Lily, Sophie and I sat on the temple grounds admiring the beauty and peace that is there and marveling at ants. Fred met us there and we sat for a few moments together being grateful for eternal families and for loving hands that guide and protect us. I sat there trying to imagine how I would feel had things not turned out as miraculously positive as they did, and I felt so grateful that I didn't need to know, but experienced such a confirmation to my deep testimony that whatever happens in our lives, our Heavenly Father hands are in all things. That night we were able to get the web cam to work and see for ourselves that Jordan was "fine".
I called Wednesday and Thursday to make sure he was still alright and just because I needed to hear his voice. Wednesday night Braden's (another of Jordan's roommates) mother showed up our doorstep with warm zuchinni bread and homemade freezer jam. She said that Braden was worried about me and wanted me to know that people were thinking about me and asked if she would make us some treats since he couldn't. What sweet young men--and still I am not the one giving comfort. Thursday, Jordan said he was going back to work on Friday (after a 2 day doctor ordered rest) Friday I tried to call him all day and tried to reach him by e-mail, but I heard nothing and when I couldn't contact him all day on Saturday I started fretting. When he finally called Saturday night I was overly anxious. His phone had died, but he was doing good. The swelling on his head was going down and his headache was diminishing and he said he'd be home in 30 days. I don't know if I can wait that long to touch him. So many people have called, that love Jordan, to tell us how grateful they are that he was protected. Family and friends are such a blessing in our lives and I need to be better about reaching back out to those who are so kind to us.
Amidst all of this we received notification that Jordan's Eagle ranking had been approved by the Scout Council and Fred was able to pick up his awards, which is actually the only one of his scout awards that has been really meaningful for me.
Mikayla took and passed both drivers license tests on Friday and now has her drivers license, which her parents are now, due to some specific reservations and also to the recent happenings, terrified to let her use outside of a square mile radius.
Eden started wearing makeup today in preparation for her eighth year of middle school. I'm always sad about that transition, but she was very subtle and it felt so comfortable to let her walk out the door without having leaped very far into the grown-up crowd.
Abe is persistently planning a last ditch Father/Son camp out and a subsequent Family camp out this month before school starts. We haven't had any kind of family vacation because Fred has been so busy and honestly the life just went out of planning anything when I realized it would be a part-family vacation. However, we have realized how much we need to continue making family memories, even when the family isn't all at home, so we are trying to fit in over
nighters on the weekends, which is the only time Fred has off anymore. (I keep trying to figure out how we could go on an overnight camp out to Spokane :)
Lily and Sophie, who were feeling so nervous about school, are now getting very impatient as they anticipate wearing their new school clothes and wearing their little backpacks.
Fred is ever working. It is that student mentality all over again where you are never done and it is always with you. He continues to make time for us, but misses those respites of time to work on home projects and hobbies. He tried working on his car radio last night in between some Saturday house jobs and ended up slicing his finger to the bone. He is now wearing a finger splint on his left hand and wondering when those days of leisure will ever return. Is he still grateful for this job? YES! It is fulfilling, but he'll be happy if the pressure would ease up at bit. Maybe it will once all the initial groundwork is laid and he can hire a teacher.
And I? I am wondering what this new school year will bring. After all of the challenges of this summer will the plans and goals of Jordan attending BYU-I really be able to materialize? Will I be able to find my niche with all of my children off at school? Will I be brave enough to stretch? As Mr. Magorium says, "Life is an occasion--rise to it!" I want to.
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