Letting Go

Jordan left on Wednesday. Fred and I left on a belated anniversary retreat Thursday. We had wanted to go the weekend of our anniversary, but our calendars have been so full this month that this was as close as we could get. The timing was impeccable -- serendipitously. Instead of being home, feeling a void, Fred and I were strolling through the parks in downtown Boise, having hour long, uninterrupted conversations with no time lines, no responsibilities, no schedules. From Thursday evening through Saturday afternoon our little world slowed down enough to ponder and find peace. Every year that we haven't had a baby at home, we have tried to go on an overnight anniversary get-away where we leave after school and come home the next day before dinner, but this is the longest we have ever been gone together, without our children, in 18 years and that extra day made it euphoric! Away from the stresses of life, and with Fred by me every second, and without reminders of Jordan's absence surrounding me, letting him go emotionally, felt healthy and natural and uniting -- like a great accomplishment that Fred and I had achieved together. Wednesday was hard, but Thursday and Friday and Saturday were healing. As we headed home on Saturday, we turned on the radio in the middle of a country song and the lyrics at that exact moment just happened to be,

"...Remember when we said when we turned gray

When the children grow up and move away

We won't be sad, we'll be glad

For all the life we've had

And we'll remember when..."

And as we pulled into the gas station to fill up our little Geo and head home, the tears that hadn't been there for three days just started to flow. Sometimes you just have to have a good cry. Today we talked to Jordan on speaker phone, gathered on a blanket in the back yard and it was a happy, fun occasion--no tears! He is having a good experience and learning valuable lessons about life away from home, in a positive environment, and I am joyful that I have been blessed with this good son, who has contributed so greatly to the happiness of our home.

Mikayla and Eden just came upstairs and tried to talk me into taking a Sunday walk with them. The sky has turned gray and ominous, the wind is kicking up and rain looks minutes away so I turned them down (we got caught in a downpour last Sunday). I have no wish to go running through the rain again, with neighbors driving out in their minivans to rescue us. So, both girls tried to give me a guilt trip, using Elder Bednar's "Things As They Really Are" talk about my computer usage ;-) However, since I have spent all day with them and I am not "twittering" "social networking" or "gaming", but journaling and writing letters to my family they had to give in (though not easily--they love it when they can use the words of prophets to try and get their way;-) I love that they are trying--I'm glad that they are listening. Elder Bednars message was so profound. I've heard it three times now and every time I am transfixed. I don't care who you are or what technical habits you have, his talk will force personal inventory. "We thank thee O God for a prophet, to guide us in these latter days"!

Four more days of school and then we head off to Girls Camp and then....Aaaaahhh, sweet summer!

JORDAN'S GRADUATION:

"Pomp and Circumstance"

"Listening to the Speeches"

Walking toward "Freedom"

Happy Friends

Happier Friends

ANNIVERSARY RETREAT:

No Cooking Required

A pretty breakfast delivered in our hotel room

Lots of Walks:

Enjoying the goldfish pond at the Boise Train Depot

Exploring the stalagtite cave

Baby ducklings walking on the lily pads in Kathryn Albertsons Park

Watching the blue herron

Looking for frogs


One of three deer that literally crossed our path


A tiny turtle we spotted

...Gone

For more than a year my emotions have been relatively volatile, with Jordan blazing this "going" trail, and through it all Fred has been a rock. Yesterday, "lasts" started kicking in -- last weekend, last concert, last home teaching visit together, last time dragging Jordan's weary bones out of bed for an early morning Sunday meeting, last Sunday walk (in the rain)...and Fred's rock has started crumbling... and now Jordan is getting sentimental, and I? -- Well, I am an emotional train wreck!!! I asked Mom how she did this nine times, and she said that she just always thought about it being the chance for her children to find the joy that she had, and about them facing a great adventure and it wasn't hard, and though I do feel all those things and I'm so excited for Jordan, it doesn't seem to make the hole he's leaving any less real. I walked past the big girls bedroom Thursday night and I could hear the guitar and singing, so I cracked the door and peeked in. Jordan was playing the guitar and he and Mikayla and Eden were all improvising three part harmony to some popular music. I could tell by their faces that they knew this was one of those "lasts", and it made my heart just ache...you know that fulfilling kind of ache when you've experienced something great and it's coming to a culmination. Jordan has been such a huge part of the dynamics of our family and it will be a big adjustment for us all.

Thank you to all of the family that could come and help make Jordan's Send Off party memorable. It was good to be together. Joseph and Camille drove all the way down from McCall and turned back around in less than 2 hours to drive back up. That huge sacrifice was above and beyond the call of duty but it meant a lot to Jordan and to us. The FX concert that night was fun with Marg and Liz and some of the cousins attending with us. If you can believe it, I forgot my camera, but a friend e-mailed me a picture of Jordan singing one of the songs and I have another friend who took video of the concert and will burn it for me, so I will post parts of that when I get it.

We went to Jordan's graduation on Monday, which was a fun milestone to experience with him. It's all really starting to sink in and he is seeming so contemplative these last few days. Dillon (Jordan's best friend) was over last night before the boys left for an all night graduation party, and they were talking about upcoming plans which varied between apartment family home evening and scripture study to mountain climbing expeditions and I found my thoughts bouncing between exhilaration and anxiety as I listened to their enthusiasm for the future. They seem to have no fear!

We just found out that our school board has approved the change for this Fall's kindergarten schedule to be changed from the traditional M-F half days to M/W or T/Th and every other Friday for the full 7 hour block. Of course I'm frustrated, as are many other parents, especially because we didn't have a voice in the process. I've talked to the school board chair and have a meeting with the elementary school principle this week, but I have been looking at all of my options. The charter school here is full and their kindergarten is M-F full days, so that's not an option. I've looked into K12, which is the charter home school founded by William Bennett. Mindy did that curriculum with Matthew for kindergarten and LOVED it, but it is very intense (4-5 hours a day). I'm so disappointed that the trend keeps moving toward taking younger and younger children out of the homes for longer periods of time, especially as my last two armor up for battle. I will have to decide soon what I want to do, because K12 only has a certain amount of charter spots and then they close enrollment and I need to mentally prepare Lily and Sophie if they are going to have to experience that inconsistent schedule of our elementary. I'm trying to weigh this out carefully. I know I'm feeling vulnerable right now with Jordan leaving and the twins being my last two at home, but that also does present possibilities that didn't seem optimal before. I keep thinking I have a plan mapped out for the future and then life keeps changing. The spontaneity keeps me on my toes and keeps the old heart pumping.

Yesterday, as we were driving back from visiting family graves at the Star cemetery, Lily was asking Jordan and Mikayla how to say different words in Spanish. She must have decided that words weren't much of a challenge because she finally said, "How do you say, 'I'm planting weeds and if you need me, I'll be walking up on the hill?" She wasn't joking -- she has such a unique personality.

We still don't have a Bishop (I mean we have one, but he's now living in Oklahoma) and we are feeling a little fatherless. I guess these things take time. President Walker was replaced in the stake presidency, a few weeks ago, by his son, who was working as the High Council YW representative, so that has been an easy transition for most of us -- it would have been difficult for anyone else to fill those shoes. We are now excitedly waiting for Pres. and Sis. Walker's mission call.

It is now Wednesday afternoon, and I have been writing this blog for over a week (thus the choppy subject changing). I just fed Jordan and all of his roommates their last "mother brunch"and said goodbye. I was proud of myself for smiling and waving as he drove away. I didn't cry until I came inside and shut the door. He said he'd call as soon as he gets there and we'll talk tonight with our computer camera, but that is a hard goodbye! He had an early breakfast date with a good friend girl this morning and I think that was a hard goodbye as well. We love our boy!

Jordan singing "Knights of the Round Table" in his FX Show Concert:


A Nice Sunday Walk Interrupted by a Sudden Downpour (We all got drenched!):




The video Mikayla and I made for Jordan's Send Off party (she had to diminish the quality significantly to get it to fit on the blog, so it's pretty blurry):

Jordan and his "roomies" for Spokane


Freedom!

Last hugs and kisses

The adventure begins!

Going..........Going.............

I started packing kitchen paraphernalia to stock Jordan's apartment, this weekend. It's a strange feeling to do that kind of packing. There's something more final about packing pots and pans then just packing mess kits for scout camp. On Friday, I sat down at the computer to update job charts for the summer and when I realized I had to delete Jordan's from the list it made me all sentimental. He is so busy, that we don't see him much these days, which I guess is a good weaning process, but it makes me feel kind of panicky, like time is sifting through my fingers and I can't hold it back. I don't really want to hold it back, just put these last scenes in slow motion so I can relish them in that dramatic fashion. Jordan's last day of seminary was Friday and I think the Seniors were all a little melancholy about that. We attended the graduation ceremony last night and though I tried to go in emotionally prepared, the first song, a "Sisters in Zion--Armies of Helaman" arrangement, sung by all of the Seniors, put me in a tail spin and when Pres. Walker, who was sitting directly in front of me, reached behind and squeezed my hand, it was no use trying to hold the emotions in. I could see by the faces of the mothers afterward, that some of them had the same difficulty. However, I am grateful that we were able to experience that graduation before Jordan's high school graduation, because as I watched him standing in front of us, looking for all the world, like a full time missionary, with his testimony shining from his face, surrounded by GOOD friends, I had this incredible feeling wash over me that he would be okay--that he wasn't leaving alone--that someone else would be watching over him while I couldn't and that instead of having to watch him fly away we would be watching him soar overhead. Still, I can't help but worry that the day he walks out that door, I (like Sis. Hinckley did when her first son left home) may have to lock myself in the bathroom

until I stop crying.

We finally got our garden in Saturday. We never quite get around to planting our spring crops on time and always seem to finally put them in the ground with the summer starts, so they will have a shorter season, but at least they are in. By the time we were done, I remembered why we always procrastinate this family "bonding" activity. It's because we all start out with that same excitement and anticipation for the symbolic start of a season and the eagerness of the youngest children turns a bit chaotic, as all little hands grab carrot or lettuce or radish seed packets, containing microscopic granules that must be guided and perfectly placed and suddenly they are donning trowels and hoes that end up being used in already planted soil, or start crying because they have to wait "forever" to help while you guide two other children's "helping" hands. Mikayla stuck with it, but Jordan had to keep running in and out between other appointments and Eden just wanted to dance with the hose, which ended up being her demise when she started literally testing the water on her big brother. We finally finished around 9PM, most of us dirty, one of us damp, one of us dripping, at least one uptight and all of us tired. Oh, but it will all be worth it when those shoots start poking out of the ground!

It's Freds' 42nd birthday today. I had to sneak out of the house at 5:30 and go grocery shopping this morning so I could feed him breakfast in bed. With all of the whirlwind that is Jordan, I forgot to prepare that little detail. I have a cake just coming out of the oven and I need to try to get this "Monday" house back to some resemblance of a home, and then the twins and I are off to finish birthday gift details in town before Fred makes it home for a late lunch. What adventure!

Mother's Day

Mikayla was asked to speak in Sacrament mtg. Sunday, on how she is preparing to become a mother. I think I had her a little intimidated about her assignment after I got done pleading with her not to get sucked into the awful tradition of monologuing about either how great your angel mother is (which there was no chance of here;-) or reading cutesy articles from the abundance that inundate the Internet at this time of year, or listing all of the expectations of a super mom. She did a fantastic job with uplifting quotes from prophets and conference talks and experiences with Personal Progress. The young man speaking with her gave a talk that was doctrinally based as well. I squirmed a little during the adult talks, which contained some of the above, but the youth always do such a marvelous job at setting an example.

We also attended Hyrum and Desi's ward to be a part of Katelyn's blessing (she was beautiful) and there wasn't a "Mother's Day" talk in the whole bunch, and yet they all were. They focused on time management and Facing our Homes toward the Temple and Covenants. It was so refreshing to sit through a Sacrament mtg. on Mothers Day that was still focused on the Savior. The mother's in Desi's ward received giant chocolate bars wrapped with ribbon after the mtg. The mother's in our ward received baby tomato starts in plastic pony packs torn apart (it was certainly the most humorous and practical gift I have ever received from a ward. The Sunday School presidency was in charge this year:-)

It was a perfect weather day here and I spent an hour sitting in a chair in the sandbox, running my feet through the cool grains, enjoying reading from Pres. Hinckley's biography while Fred made a strawberry cake, under the direction of Lily and Sophie. They were so proud of themselves for having the idea and being a part of it all! And I have the most beautiful hydrangea plant that I have ever seen sitting in the middle of my kitchen table. Unfortunately, I just got off of the phone with a Master Gardener from the extension agency who informed me that hydrangeas are not plants that can flourish in our zone, but are green housed as "Mother's Day" brief flash in the pan. I will plant it anyway and see how long I can keep it alive, and enjoy it's magnificence while it lasts. It is truly breathtaking!

One of Jordan's best friends stopped in for 3 minutes on Sunday to wish me a happy Mother's Day, which I thought was very sweet of him. I'm going to miss all of these kids that are striking out on their own over the next few months. It will be fun to follow them and see what they do with their lives.

Since Sunday was the "last average frost date" in our area, I spent the entirety of Monday transplanting mini starts into larger containers and mature starts into the ground. Then Fred came home and informed me that a cold front is supposed to come in and freeze everything tonight and then bolt back up into the 80's by the weekend. Grrrrrrrr! Luckily I never got to unpotting any of our May Day flowers, but everything else may take a hit. The buckets will have to come back out tonight.

A dear friend and YW leader, Sally Murry, was in our ward this weekend visiting her parents. Her vibrant personality never changes! It's comforting. You just can't help but love her, and she loves everyone back fiercely. Her mother said that she's so outgoing because she was in 4 different 1st grade classes in different states, which I thought was cute.

Jordan and 3 friends sang at the Opening Ceremonies for the new High School groundbreaking yesterday and will play his guitar and sing in the High School Talent Show on Wednesday and then be honored with all of the Seniors at Seminary Graduation on this upcoming Sunday. It's fun to have him in the spotlight these last few weeks home with us.

Mother's Day offerings and two crazy girls:


Sophie smelling tulips in our mini Aspen Grove:

And the House on the Sand Washed Away

Why am I ever disillusioned enough to think that in battle I can weary from the weight of the shield and not be immediately weakened. I'm disappointed with myself!

I sent out an e-mail inquiry a few days ago to all of my "sisters", wondering about a movie I had previously reviewed and decided not to bring into our home. That shows my first weakening (not that I would go to my sisters, but that I would try to gain alternate confirmation when I had already received guidance). A fun, young girl who cut Eden's hair last week, raved and raved about the movie and because it was rated PG, Eden asked about seeing it. It had been awhile since I had reviewed it and I couldn't remember what I had read, except that I had a bad taste in my mouth, so I went back and reviewed it again. My most trusted site, steered me away, but another family review site (that I know is more lenient) said it was fun family fare. In all honesty, I sometimes get tired of being so strict, and in weak moments, wonder if I am somehow depriving my family of enjoyments. It had been a week like that. I guess I was thinking that if I sent out a feeler to people that I love, who maybe aren't so prone to fanaticism, that I could somehow get balanced perspective on my decision. Renee and Camille answered quickly with their insight, which boiled down to the summation that neither of them felt I would appreciate this movie. We order movies through Netflix and I had put this particular movie in my queue (to send list) at number 4, while I was waiting for responses, so I logged in directly after reading these suggestions to delete it from the queue, but in the interim movies 2,and 3 on my list had been labeled "short wait" and they had completely skipped over movie number 1 and put this movie in my "being mailed today" box. I was incredulous, so I called the company and asked if they could please not send this movie, since it was sent out of order, but they said it was now in a pile with thousands of other movies, so they couldn't stop it. I told my family that is was coming and to just leave it in the mailbox, but that piqued curiosity and Jordan and Mikayla said they had seen parts of it and could probably edit it, and for some reason, a movie that I never would have ordered on purpose, all of the sudden became a temptation because it was new and it was there, and we watched it last night with remote in hand and in the end my trusted review site.... and Camille.... and Renee were all right; I didn't like it!

This afternoon, I checked my e-mail for letters from Mom and Dad and a message was waiting from Liz, who had just got back in town, and had responded to my movie inquiry late. Her simple, but adamant message to me was, "That's a big NO!" After the fact, it was like a huge slap in the face, and I felt immediate remorse that at almost 40, and with all the experience under my belt, I am still "giving in" to such obvious traps. Why can't I seem to act my age! There are so many characteristics that I need to work on that are truly a struggle and a challenge for me to even make baby steps at, but when I fail at something that is an easy choice it's so frustrating. It has been heartening to know that in times of need I have a supportive, caring, family network who will give me wise council and guidance, even if I am too blind to see. Thank-you for that reaffirmation. In my pride, I think I thought that I would be able to justify or rationalize watching something out of my initial comfort zone, because I expected to hear, from my sisters, that I was too prudish or fanatical or critical.... In the end I was too foolish to hear anything at all.

May Day Weekend

Keeping with tradition, we went flower shopping (Fred's idea ;-) for our date on May day and bought everyone in our family flowers (Fred and I got to choose our own)--then delivered them "knock and run" style when we got home.
Gerbera Daisies for Lily and Sophie



...For Abe and Jordan


...For Eden and Mikayla



Foxglove for me


African Daisies for Fred


Fred spring cleaning the berms


Eden salvaging a bouquet from the "wreckage"

Irony

We had another little glitch at the Middle School today. A frustrated mother called to let me know that the most offensive documentary in the 6th grade curriculum, which is about pirates, had been shown to her son without her knowledge or consent (the principle had promised us that the parents would be informed before any more documentaries were shown). Her son was so disturbed that the teacher became very concerned and called this mother (which is how she found out about the movie) to see if maybe there was something wrong at home. In this particular teachers defense, Eden says she is very caring and I'm sure her only motive in making the phone call was concern, but isn't it ironic that after exposing an innocent young man to darkness that the teacher would assume that his recoiling must be due to some disturbance in his family life. In truth, I guess it does stem from something that's going on at home; purity. I contacted administration again and we came up with stricter measures that I hope will resolve this more effectively, but I can't help but shake my head.