"A Shelter from the Storm"

SUNDAY:
Tears, tremors, cacophony and chaos were the order of the hour, but there was also a sweet distillation of the Spirit, as there always is, because today was our Primary Program. There are almost 200 families in our ward, so many with young children that our adult classes are concentrated, over capacity, with standing room only, so that the primary can fit into the chapel, the only room large enough to contain the separate junior and senior groups before overflowing into every built and partitioned space available in our church building. This morning we filled the permanent chairs on the stand, every miniature chair that could find floor space in front, and then 3 benches back. The primary presidency acted as mobile microphone bearers for the duration, because the children could not get out of there chairs, once everyone was seated, without literally climbing over their peers and teachers. The Bishop remained in his seat throughout, smack dab in the middle of the 15 Sunbeams in attendance today, and looked like he was in heaven. I spent the hour on my knees or the edge of my seat (literally and figuratively) reminding my 6 little girls (from behind) and my lone little boy (from the side) to face forward, keep their hands down, be reverent, stand up, sit down, watch the song leader, smile at their parents, speak their part in unison and SING. My success or failure, in those efforts, depends on your point of view, but when my solitary boy, this morning, (who was off cue and oblivious at every attempt and being entirely puppeteered) finally put his pudgy arm around my neck, and firmly pulled our heads together during the boys verse of a childs prayer, I finally stopped fussing and just let the sweet Spirit of the moment soak in long enough to look out into the audience (because in a headlock there is no other direction to look) =) and see tears streaming down a mothers face and then of course, I couldn't stop them from running down mine. I have 5 more weeks with these little souls and then comes the inevitable time of transition. I have been mourning my loss, but Mikayla keeps reminding me not to think of it as loss, but as an opportunity to love even more children and keep the love of those who will be sitting right behind my chair instead of beside me. Still...hard things.

MONDAY:
Suburban down AGAIN and back into the shop! It feels like mechanic trip 1,044 but I'm Dave Ramsey stubborn and don't want to be in debt for a car and cash to pay in full for a reliable one doesn't seem to be floating by any time soon.

Just trying to keep the tensions of everywhere my family needs to be and everything that I need to be doing balanced. NOT HAPPENING! Behind on budgeting. Behind on bills. Behind on bliss.  Behind on cleaning and cooking and comforting. Family Home Evening is a whirlwind and we do one thing only--a gratitude game--Fred's idea. It feels so good to be reminded of HOW MANY blessings we have--spilling over and overflowing.

TUESDAY:
Another crazy day driving to and fro. Doctor's appointment--last check-up. My doctor says "[I} look so good!"--"[he] can't believe how good [I] look!" He seems so grateful, so happy. Another reminder of blessings I barely recognize. He takes off all restrictions! I can lift and sweep and vacuum! The things we take for granted! I feel blessed...and the tiniest bit of bliss.

By evening, the bliss has flown. No time for dinner.  Fred, Eden, Lily, Sophie and I squeeze into the Geo so Fred and I can pick up the Suburban and pay for repairs (which feel like a small fortune) and finally get Thanksgiving shopping done while the girls split off and head to choir. Ten minutes after parting the phone rings--Eden is crying. She's been in an accident that's not her fault, but it's bad. We are just minutes behind her but when we get there it looks scary. The front and back of the Geo are compressed and the air bags are both deployed. The side of Eden face is already swelling, Lily's neck is hurting. Sophie has a bump on the back of her head, but they are all SAFE!!! Eden holds onto Fred--Lily and Sophie hold onto me and cry. I am so grateful for my children, but the timing sucks the wind out of my already depleted emotional stores. When it rains it pours and our life feels like a constant downpour--are we doing something wrong? I gather my little girls onto my lap and sit in the Suburban with the heater blazing, watching the police and the people and the tow truck. My mind is flitting to all our "hardships" and with each reflection comes the quiet remembrance of the numerous number of umbrella's--"a shelter from the storm" that are constantly and continuously being held over our heads in the deluge. Maybe things are being stripped away to help me to focus on the things that truly matter--things we have in abundance.

WEDNESDAY MORNING:
A good night sleep and I am ready to seize the day!

QUOTE:
“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." --Jeffrey R. Holland

This Puzzle of Life

Freddy is out of town and it's interesting how much that changes my daily perspective. During  normal weeks it doesn't feel like he is here much--busy with work--busy with his calling--tired at home. But the little moments make such a big difference and I look forward to them--plan for them--feel secure in them, and when he's gone things start to slide...quickly. The first thing to go is dinner and then bedtime. And it's funny because those are both roles that I tend to most often, even when he is here, so why I lose motivation so speedily, when he is gone, is perplexing. Even getting to church is more difficult, but that is probably because I am still trying to acclimate from the help I no longer have because of his early morning meetings (and which I am realizing was so significant). We are all missing him.

Because of all of that, we were running significantly behind this morning. We are usually in our seats for 20-30 minutes before church begins, but we came squeaking in at 10 til this morning. In our ward that means that you are in the back of the gym (which is distracting), but this morning it felt like a blessing. As we pulled up I saw a young mother get out of her car and unbuckle two infant car seats. I didn't recognize her because our ward is huge...and growing, between 1-3 families a week. I called Eden's attention to the twin car seats and she jumped right out of the car and was carrying one of the babies before I was even unloaded (she's so good that way). When the rest of our family finally caught up I introduced myself and asked if she was alone. I found out that her husband was out of town so I offered for our family to sit with her in case she needed help (I so remember those days!) The babies were happy or sleeping the entire time but we were able to sit with one of the twins while his mother went out to change the little girls diaper. That one on one time was probably a relief to her (I know it always was for me) but that brief interaction was really more of a blessing to our family because she offered Eden a part time babysitter/nanny job on the spot. Eden already works at the Day Care in town but this opportunity sounds more inviting to her (taking care of 2 babies instead of a mass of children) and may even turn into an opportunity for Mikayla if Eden decides not to quit her job. Isn't it amazing how we each can be dual answers to each others prayers, with just the smallest amount of effort. I am constantly amazed with how intricately involved our Heavenly Father is in each of our lives. His hands are always in the finest details.

Late yesterday afternoon, after we had finished our ritual Saturday cleaning, I suggested going Christmas gift idea shopping with the kids. Fred often motivates the kids to work with the enticement of an outing on Saturdays and we had worked extra long hours without him here to push us out the door. I'm not a big shopping fan and Abe is allergic to even the very idea, but being together is something we all enjoy and that seems easier when we aren't able to cloister ourselves in bedrooms or with electronic devices. We looked around in town for a few hours and then had to head out so Eden could get to a choir invitational, which, upon arrival, we realized was a multi-denominational Thanksgiving concert hosted by the city's Catholic community and being held in their ENORMOUS church. We weren't really dressed appropriately for a concert, especially one in a church, and my younger children were hungry and tired and didn't want to stay, but Mikayla and I love concerts and I wasn't keen on coming all the way back to pick up Eden so I coaxed everyone inside. There were others in casual wear, but many were dressed more respectfully and I always feel more comfortable on the higher end of the spectrum, so I did feel self conscious, but also curious. I'm so glad we stayed--it was nice! There was a variety of music, and some interesting religious differences, but it all felt respectful and helped me to contemplate my blessings and this season and our united desires, as children of a Heavenly Father, to do good--to be good. There are so many people that are trying to do what is right and reaching out to help others, despite the different doctrines that are guiding our actions. I alwasy feel that the adversary makes huge inroads every year with the evil influences that surround the Halloween season, but that dark spirit is completely engulfed as Thanksgiving and Christmas start to take hold. Dark always disappears in the presence of light and I love that immediate uplift after the month long spiritual marathon of trying to push out worldly influences.

In that new light, has come definitive directional changes in our family as well. Despite her, and our, previous wishes, Mikayla received some strong impressions during Octobers General Conference that made her feel that going back out into the mission field might not be what she was supposed to do, but she didn't know what the alternative was and so plans and goals have been vague at best. The only thing set in stone was to "get better". In September, we were all eager to see her get back on her mission as soon as possible and so were intent and focused solely on finding health answers. By October her seemingly 180 degree insights surprised and, in all honesty, disappointed me, but I have learned enough in my life experience not to second guess personal revelation. After all, I'm the one who felt driven to explore the current path of neurofeedback, though expensive and unconventional, especially for my scrimping and skeptical nature, and no one second guessed that, so I have been content to let the future plan unveil itself slowly. I did counsel Mikayla to choose a direction, set goals and then work toward it, with the conviction that if the path was right, doors would open and if the path was wrong, windows would close, before she advanced too far. She did just that and doors started opening and she now feels at peace and confident that her full time missionary service is complete. I feel confident that she is receiving answers and though they are different than what any of us initially anticipated--it a sweet mother gift to see your children seeking and following the personal promptings of the Spirit in their lives. I still don't know what the future holds--but she has new hopes and continued dreams that she is trying to pursue. It is hard on her not to have a job and feel that the present and the future is so dependant on money. I can see her getting restless and I would love to just pave a smooth road for her the skate on, but we no longer have that option, even if it was for her benefit. It isn't, but it's hard to watch the struggle and know the delicate balance between support and obstruction. And even though I'm not the one confronting these particular challenges I do feel so blessed with the way everything has fallen into place so far and with the circumstances which have surfaced in the precise order necessary for the emotional, spiritual, physical and financial preparations of each of us. The intricacies of these most recent life puzzles have been complexly fitted, and by an omnipotent hand.

One of those fittings was fun to hear about with Mikayla's first experience working at the temple on Friday. It sounded like she caused a little buzz and some confusion because of her age, and fielded some interesting comments--one from a mother with "three single sons". =) She thought she was working in the baptistry but they had her everywhere but there (Initiatory, New Name, Celestial Room, and finally at "the Smiling post".) She also got to see my Mom and Dad, which will be a fun perk every week. I need to plan a Friday morning temple trip, so I can experience my daughter and parents serving together.

Jordan and Katie put up the Christmas lights on our house while they were here, and we were all gone (he with a sore back and the outset of the Flu). He is such a kind and thoughtful son and now we are all set for "the lighting" the evening we return from our Thanksgiving weekend at the ranch. It is a fun anticipation.

Eden's senior picture proofs came back--over 400 of them--and I have spent the last few days trying to sort through them and pick out our favorites. There were a few deja vu moments when I saw myself, at the same age, in the photographs. I still feel an awful lot, inside, like I did as that young, 17 year old girl. My body feels quite a bit different =) but my Spirit doesn't feel as though it has "aged" so dramatically. Interesting, that.

Wednesday we will celebrate Eden's 18th birthday. How did that happen! It feels like she just turned 16 months ago and she is now filling out college applications. Soon I will have as many children in college as I do at home and we will all be equally broke. =)  I don't look forward to an emptier house, or an emptier bank account for that matter =) but a dear friend of mine reminded me today that we never stop being mothers, even when all of our children have left our homes. Mothers are who we are and nothing can every take that away from us. Of course we hugged and cried while we were sharing our convictions, but even in all its transitional difficulties, I believe it with all of my heart. I AM a mother!

Abe is growing like a weed at that overdrive stage of 13--the age where the buttons on Jordan's scout shirt started popping off and every month we had to pretend that sailor pant length was still in style. He has passed Eden in height and Mikayla in shoe size and is enjoying those rites of passage immensely. He keeps reminding me that he will be driving in 2 years and serving a mission in 5. I keep reminding him that there are some things I don't want to talk about. =) Even so, he is good to me.

Lily and Sophie are experiencing a laborious case of get-on-each-others-nerves-itus. It has hit suddenly and forcefully and I spend huge chunks of time in one on one conversations discussing worth and agency and self esteem and charity and the freedom of not being offended. They are both passionate little girls with vibrantly different personalities and I want them to be able to be able to stand confidently, knowing who they are without having to measure their value by other peoples perspectives, or let their moods be manipulated because of someone else's behavior. Lily keeps reminding me that it is "so hard".  She's right, it is, but so incredibly important and freeing. After our 3rd half hour discussion, I start needing the reminder myself =) but we just keep plugging away--trying to learn patience and persistence. They are incredibly little girls, these last two. I know they were a blessing, being sent together, to keep me on my toes and keep each other company. I love our family dynamic--another perfectly placed piece of this puzzle of life.

"They That Be Whole Need Not A Physician"

I had my two week Post-Op checkup last Monday. I have now graduated to a 20 pound limit for four weeks--still no sweeping. =( My doctor was pleased with my "progress" and I guess I was supposed to be excited as well, but I was hoping for more immediate physical reinstatements and was whining. I'm not a very good soldier--obedient but not uncomplaining. I was protesting the continued restrictions with my doctor when he quickly informed me that I should be grateful just to be here. He and I are usually amiable sparring partners so I was doubting the drama of that statement and bombarding him with questions of what I could and could not do for the next month. A little exasperated, he finally said, "I can't tell you everything that you can't do, just use common sense". So, true to the rule abiding girl that I am, I immediately came home and started having Mikayla weigh everything on my bathroom scale, so I could get an idea of the boundaries of my limits. We spend an awful lot of time lately, Mikayla and I, balancing out each others weaknesses and as I was seeing how far I could push my limits, within the letter of the law, she suggested that I should probably take this all more seriously. She was with Fred and I at my appointment, and she informed me that at one point, when I was out of the room, Fred asked the doctor how severe my condition really had been and his reply was, "Well, she almost died!" For days, those have only been words to me. I did feel a certain amount of amazement and weighty concern from all of the medical staff during my hospital stay, but I chalked that all up to job description because I never felt what I imagined the brink of death should feel like. After Mikayla's enlightenment, some of the reality of my experience has started to slowly sink in. It has caused me to sift through my feelings and previous beliefs about death and from that process has emerged some symbolism between physicality and spirituality that I never related to, quite the same, before now.

I have not been exposed to much intimate death. Some of my loved ones have passed away, either tragically quick or after long, suffering battles, but I have only been close by twice.  I was in the room when one of my grandfather's died. It was a sweet, spiritual, but expected experience. More recently, my Father-in-law passed away in our home. We had been warned that his death was coming--had been made aware of some signs, and even though his passing felt a little more sudden, because we were not with him, it was not a shock. But, all those transitions seemed to be preceded by dramatic trauma, suffering or extended bodily endurance.

I have watched a few close friends and loved ones experience spiritual sicknesses that seemed severe. Most of those I have observed from distances, but I have never been consciously aware of being exposed to any intimate, spiritual deaths. However, this experience has made me more keenly aware of the fragility of life--both kinds. If near physical death can happen, without even realizing that we are close, then probably so can near spiritual death. And once we get "near", it's usually too late to make it back on our own, because we lack the tools and sometimes even the awareness. I am learning to be so profoundly grateful for the kinds of necessary help that others can and must provide when we have gotten too close to the line. I am realizing that the line is often closer than we realize, that it isn't always approached dramatically--we can just quietly fade away. What we think is toughness can quickly, yet imperceptibly, erode into the most dangerous kind of weakness. The journey back takes tedious patience and abundant trust in those who have training and skills in understanding the healing process--it can't be rushed, no matter how strong we think we are. It feels frustrating and burdensome, but the comparisons with spiritual weakness have made me try harder to be more submissive.

Last month my body was behaving abnormally, but in the past year my normal has become much more abnormal and I have gotten grudgingly accepting of those abberances, chalking them up to obnoxious, geriatric causes. My rationalization was that everyone experiences sickness--we get over it. I wonder now if sometimes I delude myself spiritually as well--acclimating to perceived "normal" abnormalities? Fred usually seems more concerned about physical ailments than I am, probably because he has seen the worst, because he understands anatomy better than I do, and because he's not as stubbornly independent. Sometimes I take his recommendations to heart--occasionally I find them overly cautionary. =) This round, I was just biding my time--I see now, not the wisest choice. For some reason, I feel more vulnerable, spiritually, more accepting of dependency, but I wonder how often I see spiritual promptings as overly cautionary instead of as the life saving warnings that they are?

And even yet, I still kick against the pricks. On Saturday we were doing our normal deep cleaning--I was working on the kitchen. Everyone had their own jobs and I had to ask Abrahm to come and put up all of the chairs and stools for me, but I didn't want to ask him to sweep and mop for me as well, so I had him wheel in the vacuum cleaner and I used the hose extensions to clean the floor and then I carefully tried mopping (not specifically against doctors orders). =S I was cautious and careful, but I could tell immediately when I started why I wasn't allowed to sweep--understanding makes obedience easier--so I slowed down the process until it was tedious but I could no longer feel the strain. I have taken this body and good health for granted, but I am beginning to understand some important things. Days prior to Thanksgiving I anticipate getting the "all clear" from my Doctor, but I will long after be working towards that same goal from my spiritual physician. This is all good training.

On lighter topics, I finished my upper kitchen cabinets last week--not strenuous physical work. I'll work on my lower ones next and then move onto my coffee table, my dinner table, my bar chairs, my piano, my armoire, my hope chest, my dresser, my walls, my trim.........................................What doesn't need painted around here!? Wow! Of course, I won't move any of them myself--I will just do the painting. =)

Our family Jeopardy Harvest party was such fun--another raucous game hosted by Fred--Plantains, and eggplant prepared by Mikayla, and all assortments of fruits and vegetables to celebrate the season. We missed Jordan and Katie, but they had their own fun in Rexburg--face painting.

Fred said ice crystals were floating through the air today. It has already snowed in Rexburg. I am feeling blessed to have a home and a heater and a husband to shelter me from all kinds of cold.

Clowning Around

The Common Area When It Rains

Old cabinet finish

Update cabinet finish

Close up finish

Bloomers Harvest Party 2013--The Legendary Family Jeopardy Game

Get Ready to Rumble

Our Harvest Basket Choices this year: Pineapple, Coconut, Red Anjou Pears,
Altaulfos Mangos, Peppers, Peas, Radishes, Eggplant, Plantain, Tamarind Pods.

Fried Eggplant dipped in Marinara Sauce--Better than Candy!

Homemade Wassail

The Infamous Looks of Mikayla Dawn