Friday night I found out that one of my cousin's daughter was engaged. What a momentous occasion! I've been looked through pictures, basking in good memories with this favorite family and thinking of last October, when we were able to be all together and met the lucky young man.
We took a quick, 400 mile cousin/conference round trip, armed with pop opera and spiritual intellectualism on CD. Nothing quite gets the emotional pistons firing like anticipating loved ones and living prophets, while listening to Il Divo and C.S. Lewis, back to back. Basking in that much positive energy, made me feel akin to Timothy Green, arms outstretched and soaking up the sun...and that was just the drive!
We all converged on a Friday night, at the home of my dearest cousins, a family who has moved, in different life stages, close to 23 times in 25 years of marriage. I have visited them in almost every location and it is, without exception, always a warm, encompassing experience as they have a gift for making any house into "home" and every guest feel the same. That's not an easy challenge when some houses--and some people--need extra TLC. This time the house was lovely to begin with, but we can be a motley crew. We started out in three different cars, at three different times, from two different places and converged upon our hosts as a boisterous, family reunioning group of nine. The house was spotless (a stressful, time consuming gift, I know), the food was delicious (warm bread baked at just the right time to make the house smell like heaven), everyone had a space to call their own (because the family didn't) and the sociality was gracious and tried and true. We visited, played games, watched conference, relaxed, enjoyed good food, laughed and even cried. There are some people who are truly kindred spirits and Fred and I have found ours.
Of course, no experience is truly memorable without some life lessons along the way and this was no exception. The first came Saturday evening, after all of the boys headed off for the Priesthood session of conference and we were trying to plan a girls night out. No one seemed to care especially what we did--just feeling happy to be together, so Mindy and I decided to take everyone to the BYU campus and do some reminiscing about our college days together. The girls were all kindly accommodating and seemed perfectly content to wander after us for a couple of hours, visiting and laughing with each other. The campus had changed dramatically and there was so much that I couldn't recall, but one thing I did remember vividly, as we walked towards the entrance of the Wilkinson Center, is the abiding love and friendship that we had for each other, even with our emotional ups and downs, all those years ago, and the power of it made me all emotional and bleary eyed. We walked and talked, with our arms around each other, just like we had in those younger years, and remembered good times, and a few bad times and ended up in a dark, vast courtyard facing the building that had processed both our college admissions and each of our premature withdrawals and talked about life choices and regrets. It was a sweet and melancholy irony, standing together in that place, but as I have pondered on that conversation since then--and I have had cause to ponder it much--I have felt a privileged epiphany that has helped me see a beautiful blessing in both of our lives, because though we both would most assuredly have benefited in many ways, from the lessons learned through gaining a full, traditional college degree, and we both regret now, not finishing then, those lessons are still within our reach, though belated they may be, if we still choose to pursue them, but the paths our lives have taken, though strewn with challenges and trials, are lives that we would have ultimately chosen, even with degrees, and because we both married selfless, devoted men, their careers (that have not always been what they each dreamed or imagined) have made the careers that we always dreamed and imagined possible. We are mothers, first, last and foremost. It is the life passion that we have both fought for, in very different ways, above all else, and our husbands commitments to be the providers and protectors have made those dreams possible. We've all had to give up some temporal comforts and opportunities, and there have been times, recently especially, that I have doubted my capability to do this job well, it has truly been the greatest teacher of my life, and that is an education that I will always have.
As I sit here and ponder, I realize that the short family vacation we enjoyed that weekend was full of many life lessons. Another came Sunday morning, when we were hurriedly dressing, before the first session of conference, so we would be ready to run out the door as soon as it was over and still have time to drive to Salt Lake city for the second session. The week before the weather had started changing and the forecast in Utah looked chilly, so I told my children to pack warm outfits. Of course, as children, outfits from season to season don't always fit again, and my youngest daughters both packed dresses they had not been wearing for months. Unfortunately...and fortunately, the weather turned out beautifully and we were all too warm, especially my embarrassed little girls, who realized that both their dresses and the accompanying tights they had packed, were all much too small. It was a mother dilemma. I have spent my life teaching my girls about modesty and how much it matters and now they were wearing mini skirts with tights that won't even pull up appropriately and feeling very uncomfortable. It was Sunday, so we couldn't go shopping, if we wanted to honor the Sabbath day, which we did, we knew no one with little girls to borrow from, The little girls could have tossed the tights and gone with bare legs, but that made them feel even more exposed with their short skirts. They could have changed back into pants, but we wanted to sit in the conference center and my children have grown up dressing in their Sunday best all day, so that also made them uncomfortable. It presented me with a great opportunity to talk about what modesty REALLy is: an attitude, a desire, an intention. We talked about our hearts and our minds. And my girls chose to wear their short dresses and their outgrown tights and were as uncomfortable as they have ever been, but they understood a concept that day and I was grateful for that. A few days ago, Sophie put on an outfit that she hadn't worn for awhile. The leggings which used to be baggy were now tight, the sweater that used to be long was now short. She walked around in it for 30 minutes and I noticed that she kept checking the mirror, so I kept silent and before she left the house, she went in and changed her outfit. Afterwards, I asked her why and she said she just felt uncomfortable. I was so proud of her and I wonder if that Sunday afternoon on temple square was a blessing in disguise.
Another lesson I have been thinking about came Sunday afternoon as we were coming from the Conference Center and crossing the roads towards Temple Square. I was pondering the many messages which had seemed to focus on loving our fellowmen as we walked through the column of yelling protesters lining the streets. That usually feels dark, but this year, instead of trying to rush past, I looked at faces and saw people and felt sorrow and concern and then a young man, a handsome member of our faith, yelled back something rude about the spelling of someone's sign and then it was suddenly dark from the inside. I was so taken back, but it was such a profound teaching moment to be reminded that it is our actions, not which side of the police barricade we are on, that determines our discipleship. And not 30 minutes later, my family was picnicking on a hill overlooking the city and I made an offhand remark about an acquaintance that was unkind and which lulled a few other people to add to those remarks until my oldest son, who, during his time at home, I don't think I EVER heard make a disparaging remark about ANYONE, called us all to repentance, with one kind remark and I remembered the earlier lesson and how easy it is to forget so quickly and then I also had empathy for the handsome young man who had forgotten so quickly a few moments before. We can NEVER let down our guards.
It's Fast Sunday, so I've been reflecting more than usual today, thinking about the gifts of the Spirit, especially about the gift of faith, a gift that I have taken for granted for so many years of my life. A gift I never even realized was unique or profoundly personal, but I am humbled by the absolute certainty that I posses, that I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I have never doubted His existence or the existence of His son Jesus Christ. I have never doubted the validity of the Atonement and my conviction of how much I need it, need Him, grows with my experiences and my spiritual understanding. I have never doubted the ability of the Holy Ghost to have influence and give direction in my life. I have never doubted that we have living prophets that speak the will of the Father. I appreciate that more, marvel at it and hold onto it as the lifeline that I realize, more each year, that it is. I have never doubted that there is complete and absolute organization in my journey here or that a Plan of Happiness has been laid out for my progression, fulfillment and joy. My knowledge of those things deepens, but I have never doubted. They are the very fibers of my soul and they anchor me in this turbulent world. Sometimes--often--I question me, but I have never questioned Them. I love Them. I trust Them. I know Them. They love me. They trust me. They know me. I am so grateful that I don't have to rely on the puny arm of flesh as a protection, or the nearsighted philosophies of men for understanding. I am awed by the majesty and omnipotence of the one true Host of heaven, and marvel that I am family. This one true source of peace is Home.
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| Lily and Sophie's favorite vacation activity--Sit by the door and hold the sweet dog |
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| Awkward cousins--Fun games |
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| Visiting |
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| Walking to the park |
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| Beautiful Utah |
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| Resting from Ultimate Frisbee |
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| Our men--heading off to the Priesthood session of conference |
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| My men |
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| Farewell Photos |
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| Kindred Spirits |
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| Temple Square Reflection Pool--After Sunday afternoon session of Conference |
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| LOVE that smile |
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| LOVE my boy |
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| LOVE these kids |
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| I love how Eden captures perfect, spontaneous moments |
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| I wish she was in these |
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...but I also love thinking about her in the background, doing what she loves...
CREATING ART |
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| Picnic above Salt Lake City |
