This Puzzle of Life

Freddy is out of town and it's interesting how much that changes my daily perspective. During  normal weeks it doesn't feel like he is here much--busy with work--busy with his calling--tired at home. But the little moments make such a big difference and I look forward to them--plan for them--feel secure in them, and when he's gone things start to slide...quickly. The first thing to go is dinner and then bedtime. And it's funny because those are both roles that I tend to most often, even when he is here, so why I lose motivation so speedily, when he is gone, is perplexing. Even getting to church is more difficult, but that is probably because I am still trying to acclimate from the help I no longer have because of his early morning meetings (and which I am realizing was so significant). We are all missing him.

Because of all of that, we were running significantly behind this morning. We are usually in our seats for 20-30 minutes before church begins, but we came squeaking in at 10 til this morning. In our ward that means that you are in the back of the gym (which is distracting), but this morning it felt like a blessing. As we pulled up I saw a young mother get out of her car and unbuckle two infant car seats. I didn't recognize her because our ward is huge...and growing, between 1-3 families a week. I called Eden's attention to the twin car seats and she jumped right out of the car and was carrying one of the babies before I was even unloaded (she's so good that way). When the rest of our family finally caught up I introduced myself and asked if she was alone. I found out that her husband was out of town so I offered for our family to sit with her in case she needed help (I so remember those days!) The babies were happy or sleeping the entire time but we were able to sit with one of the twins while his mother went out to change the little girls diaper. That one on one time was probably a relief to her (I know it always was for me) but that brief interaction was really more of a blessing to our family because she offered Eden a part time babysitter/nanny job on the spot. Eden already works at the Day Care in town but this opportunity sounds more inviting to her (taking care of 2 babies instead of a mass of children) and may even turn into an opportunity for Mikayla if Eden decides not to quit her job. Isn't it amazing how we each can be dual answers to each others prayers, with just the smallest amount of effort. I am constantly amazed with how intricately involved our Heavenly Father is in each of our lives. His hands are always in the finest details.

Late yesterday afternoon, after we had finished our ritual Saturday cleaning, I suggested going Christmas gift idea shopping with the kids. Fred often motivates the kids to work with the enticement of an outing on Saturdays and we had worked extra long hours without him here to push us out the door. I'm not a big shopping fan and Abe is allergic to even the very idea, but being together is something we all enjoy and that seems easier when we aren't able to cloister ourselves in bedrooms or with electronic devices. We looked around in town for a few hours and then had to head out so Eden could get to a choir invitational, which, upon arrival, we realized was a multi-denominational Thanksgiving concert hosted by the city's Catholic community and being held in their ENORMOUS church. We weren't really dressed appropriately for a concert, especially one in a church, and my younger children were hungry and tired and didn't want to stay, but Mikayla and I love concerts and I wasn't keen on coming all the way back to pick up Eden so I coaxed everyone inside. There were others in casual wear, but many were dressed more respectfully and I always feel more comfortable on the higher end of the spectrum, so I did feel self conscious, but also curious. I'm so glad we stayed--it was nice! There was a variety of music, and some interesting religious differences, but it all felt respectful and helped me to contemplate my blessings and this season and our united desires, as children of a Heavenly Father, to do good--to be good. There are so many people that are trying to do what is right and reaching out to help others, despite the different doctrines that are guiding our actions. I alwasy feel that the adversary makes huge inroads every year with the evil influences that surround the Halloween season, but that dark spirit is completely engulfed as Thanksgiving and Christmas start to take hold. Dark always disappears in the presence of light and I love that immediate uplift after the month long spiritual marathon of trying to push out worldly influences.

In that new light, has come definitive directional changes in our family as well. Despite her, and our, previous wishes, Mikayla received some strong impressions during Octobers General Conference that made her feel that going back out into the mission field might not be what she was supposed to do, but she didn't know what the alternative was and so plans and goals have been vague at best. The only thing set in stone was to "get better". In September, we were all eager to see her get back on her mission as soon as possible and so were intent and focused solely on finding health answers. By October her seemingly 180 degree insights surprised and, in all honesty, disappointed me, but I have learned enough in my life experience not to second guess personal revelation. After all, I'm the one who felt driven to explore the current path of neurofeedback, though expensive and unconventional, especially for my scrimping and skeptical nature, and no one second guessed that, so I have been content to let the future plan unveil itself slowly. I did counsel Mikayla to choose a direction, set goals and then work toward it, with the conviction that if the path was right, doors would open and if the path was wrong, windows would close, before she advanced too far. She did just that and doors started opening and she now feels at peace and confident that her full time missionary service is complete. I feel confident that she is receiving answers and though they are different than what any of us initially anticipated--it a sweet mother gift to see your children seeking and following the personal promptings of the Spirit in their lives. I still don't know what the future holds--but she has new hopes and continued dreams that she is trying to pursue. It is hard on her not to have a job and feel that the present and the future is so dependant on money. I can see her getting restless and I would love to just pave a smooth road for her the skate on, but we no longer have that option, even if it was for her benefit. It isn't, but it's hard to watch the struggle and know the delicate balance between support and obstruction. And even though I'm not the one confronting these particular challenges I do feel so blessed with the way everything has fallen into place so far and with the circumstances which have surfaced in the precise order necessary for the emotional, spiritual, physical and financial preparations of each of us. The intricacies of these most recent life puzzles have been complexly fitted, and by an omnipotent hand.

One of those fittings was fun to hear about with Mikayla's first experience working at the temple on Friday. It sounded like she caused a little buzz and some confusion because of her age, and fielded some interesting comments--one from a mother with "three single sons". =) She thought she was working in the baptistry but they had her everywhere but there (Initiatory, New Name, Celestial Room, and finally at "the Smiling post".) She also got to see my Mom and Dad, which will be a fun perk every week. I need to plan a Friday morning temple trip, so I can experience my daughter and parents serving together.

Jordan and Katie put up the Christmas lights on our house while they were here, and we were all gone (he with a sore back and the outset of the Flu). He is such a kind and thoughtful son and now we are all set for "the lighting" the evening we return from our Thanksgiving weekend at the ranch. It is a fun anticipation.

Eden's senior picture proofs came back--over 400 of them--and I have spent the last few days trying to sort through them and pick out our favorites. There were a few deja vu moments when I saw myself, at the same age, in the photographs. I still feel an awful lot, inside, like I did as that young, 17 year old girl. My body feels quite a bit different =) but my Spirit doesn't feel as though it has "aged" so dramatically. Interesting, that.

Wednesday we will celebrate Eden's 18th birthday. How did that happen! It feels like she just turned 16 months ago and she is now filling out college applications. Soon I will have as many children in college as I do at home and we will all be equally broke. =)  I don't look forward to an emptier house, or an emptier bank account for that matter =) but a dear friend of mine reminded me today that we never stop being mothers, even when all of our children have left our homes. Mothers are who we are and nothing can every take that away from us. Of course we hugged and cried while we were sharing our convictions, but even in all its transitional difficulties, I believe it with all of my heart. I AM a mother!

Abe is growing like a weed at that overdrive stage of 13--the age where the buttons on Jordan's scout shirt started popping off and every month we had to pretend that sailor pant length was still in style. He has passed Eden in height and Mikayla in shoe size and is enjoying those rites of passage immensely. He keeps reminding me that he will be driving in 2 years and serving a mission in 5. I keep reminding him that there are some things I don't want to talk about. =) Even so, he is good to me.

Lily and Sophie are experiencing a laborious case of get-on-each-others-nerves-itus. It has hit suddenly and forcefully and I spend huge chunks of time in one on one conversations discussing worth and agency and self esteem and charity and the freedom of not being offended. They are both passionate little girls with vibrantly different personalities and I want them to be able to be able to stand confidently, knowing who they are without having to measure their value by other peoples perspectives, or let their moods be manipulated because of someone else's behavior. Lily keeps reminding me that it is "so hard".  She's right, it is, but so incredibly important and freeing. After our 3rd half hour discussion, I start needing the reminder myself =) but we just keep plugging away--trying to learn patience and persistence. They are incredibly little girls, these last two. I know they were a blessing, being sent together, to keep me on my toes and keep each other company. I love our family dynamic--another perfectly placed piece of this puzzle of life.