Aaaaauuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh!!!!! VENTING...Sorry!

Do you ever have one of those days where the weight of trying to keep your head above water against the beating of the worldly waves collides with the brutal forces of nature and outright warfare against your children? I know, they don't all usually happen at the same time and I can usually keep my wits about me, but yesterday........!

In the afternoon, I answered the phone and was greeted by the voice of a frantic mother who said, "I've felt impressed that I should call you." The last time that happened I had just been called to be in the stake YW and had not yet been sustained and was heartbroken and overwhelmed and couldn't talk about it with anyone outside my family. A friends inspired visit gave me the assurance that Heavenly Father is mindful of our hearts and cares about us through others, even when they don't know the reasons. So, I selfishly racked my brain for what could possibly be wrong with me that I needed that help. Aren't our minds funny; well, mine is (or maybe "warped, frustrated" would be more accurate). This lady was in my ward previously, before we split, but we were only casual acquaintances. She proceeded to tell me about some overtly disturbing curriculum that was being taught to her 6th grade son in middle school and she wanted to know what she should do. Unfortunately, my first thought was, "I barely even know you, how should I know what you should do", but the second that unkind thought, which I am afraid tells volumes about my true character, entered my mind, another thought, not my own, came into my mind; "you know exactly what to do, you've been down this road before". I got all the information that I could from her, gave her my opinion about what I would do for the remainder of the week, gave her some guidance where to take her concerns and reassured her that I would also go to administration and support her efforts all the way, and then immediately had this wave of intense self guilt come over me as I realized that Eden had been subjected to this curriculum the year before, and had given me all of the warning signs of needing to be rescued, and I had somehow overlooked her pleadings. For someone who fights more than my children are sometimes comfortable with, over things far less offensive, I felt so negligent and remorseful. Such a heavy burden! I kept thinking, "it was so obvious, how could I have let that slide?" and I realized that I had refused to listen and believe because I was trying to protect my personal,safe, sheltered shell.

I immediately called Fred to steady me, and though he tried to sauve my conscience, he was incensed and added fuel to the already stoked fire. When Eden came home I apologized profusely for my mother inattentiveness and found that she had definitely sustained some wounds and was pleased to see the warriors gearing up, though very tardy, and armed me with information and suggestions. I felt shaky all day-- Surely I am not the only one familiar with the physical consequences of unchecked mother furry, but I hope the "kindred spirits" are few and far between.

At 7:30 Jordan, up snowboarding at Bogus, called me from ski patrol to tell me that he had landed a jump with his face and was obligated by their legal guidelines to call because he was a minor. He assured me that he was fine and then ski patrol got on the line and said that his face was so swollen that they couldn't tell if his nose was broken, but "hey, it's better than him sitting home playing video games." He was up there with a large group of friends, and since he had fallen after only his 3rd run, there was a long interim, waiting for the rest of the guys to finish skiing, before he could come home. He showed up around 10PM and I don't know if it was just the shock of seeing his face, or the fact that it was Jordan and the emotions that are so on the surface about him lately, or the emotionally draining day previous, but I became so lightheaded and physically nauseous that I had to sit down with my head between my legs and then all of the emotions erupted like a damned waterfall prying loose and my son, who should have been the one being nurtured, sat beside me and rubbed my back while I sobbed my heart out. I just couldn't compose my emotions and it turned to hyperventilation and Fred had to step in so that I could breathe. It was humiliating. I'm glad that all of my younger children were in bed, and I wish that I could say that the rest of my family were in shock from my behavior, but they took it, much to my chagrin, quite in stride.

I'm better now. It's a new day, and rest, though fitful, has helped me focus and I am trading in the emotional oppression of yesterday for the weapons of Narnia today. Today I feel like Peter; "For Aslaaaan!"

So now, because someone, who doesn't know the ropes needs my help, and because I have younger children coming up through the system and because I feel duty bound to stand up where I was remiss before, I will add another "fight" to my war board. And with Fred screening out the emotional fanaticism and installing diplomacy, like he has in all of my battles, we will make a difference. I won't try--"I will go and do"!

Oh, and if anyone is still reading after all of that ranting, which I highly doubt since my writing isn't often reader worthy -- it's more organize-my-thoughts-therapy oriented, the curriculum is concerning very detailed study of the Mayan and pirate cultures, and you don't really want to know more than that. I certainly didn't! The objective? I have no idea, but I can assure you I will find out and there will be change. Does that sound haughty and conceited? I'm sure it does but these wars are never meant to be prideful, I just have to psyche myself up to be courageous enough to remember that one person can always make positive change with the right help and that people are just people, no matter what title we hold. And, most people want to do what is right, but get off course and need redirecting. Don't we all! Wish me luck!