Pretty Inside

There is a song entitled "The Call" from the "Prince Caspian" movie that my family hasn't stopped singing for the last week and a half. It is one of those highly addictive songs that you can't get out of your head, but it's pleasant and good and wholesome so it hasn't been annoying. The kids had it playing on YouTube while we were working on Saturday and the twins were dancing to it. Sophie danced into the kitchen and proclaimed to me, while still dancing, "I feel pretty inside when I listen to this song all the time!" I thought it was a profound thing for a 4 year old to say. It's a good measuring stick for so many other things besides music.

Our family is basking in "quality time with Dad" with the second week at Stevens-Heneger behind us. We are all getting ready for the day together in the mornings and then the older girls and Abe get a ride to school as Fred heads off to work (Jordan leaves first for a zero hour morning show choir class). Again, every evening, everyone is gathered around the table for dinner. It's surprising to realize how often we all just did our own thing for dinner, when Fred wasn't here. It's such a good thing for our family! As a couple, Fred and I are still having to make some adjustments to a schedule that we have never experienced before. Though our family is together more and at optimum times, Fred no longer has those scattered days off during the week where he and I were used to accomplishing projects and planning and dreaming. It has made Saturdays more precious and more guarded since it is the only day to accomplish time consuming things together. We are having to come up with different days and ways to get all of the deep cleaning done, so our Saturdays are not spent entirely in maintenance, as we have been so accustomed. Friday date nights are now imperative instead of optional because it is the only time alone as a couple.

One of the first adaptations that I have had to make was putting the Christmas lights on the tree myself. Traditionally I assemble the tree, Fred strings the lights (he was relegated the task after we were married, because it became obvious, very quickly, who had been blessed with the most abundant patience.) and then we all decorate it. But, since Fred didn't have any days off during the week, and because he was feeling a lot of pressure from work, I decided to be "noble" and string the lights. I did everything like Fred would have, testing every strand before stringing it, but I can tell you my mental state was not the same as Fred's always is. That quote I posted on the blog, weeks ago, about "Things I've Learned" was very accurate on this subject. Assembling and stringing took me from 6:30AM to 8:00 PM, with brief stops only to help the twins get ready for the day and help get a very quick dinner. The older children helped everyone get something to eat for the other two meals, helped me sporadically sort branches, and were otherwise, contentedly on their own. At 6:00 I realized that I would never make it to the top of the tree with the remaining functioning lights that I had, so Mikayla (as a emotional support) and I made a quick trip to Walmart to buy two more strands. When Fred walked in the door that night the tree was up but all of the twinkling lights had gone out after 30 minutes and was no longer merry and bright; neither was I! Within 10 minutes, Fred had located the blown fuse and fixed it, and me... mostly. Monday we decorated it for Family Home Evening and when we were putting on the last ornaments, the whole middle section of lights went out. Fred checked all of the fuses, but to no avail. He said he'd have to undecorate it and take off all of the lights to find the problem, but I couldn't emotionally deal with that unless I was gone shopping all day while he did it, and that has not happened yet so we have a very "special" tree right now. There have been so many other things taking up our Saturdays, which is now the only day where Fred has that kind of time that I don't know if it will get fixed this year or not. Margaret would find the problem herself, but I am learning to deal with it.

I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that I will now have to go grocery shopping on my own, with both of the twins. So far, I have made little jaunts to the store and been creative with making the groceries we have last, but it is getting to the point where creativity and bare shelves just don't complement each other. Pulling around two carts and keeping track of two overactive girls, who will not be confined to a basket seat and who constantly need to use the bathroom is not my idea of sane activities. Millions of moms do it; I have before, but I have yet to accept my place among those sorry ranks, as an indefinite task. Fred says I can do hard things; he keeps reminding me that I am a farm girl, which is exactly right-- and where I belong-- on the "farm"! Well, not to worry. My children used to pretend they were the "boxcar children" when they were little, in between my getting-up-the-courage-to-go-shopping-trips. Creativity pays off! I promise not to let anyone starve....too much.

These changes have come at the busiest time of year, so I am sure the adjustments attached to it will come more quickly with the start of the new year, but all adaptations considered, I feel so blessed to have traded the schedule of most of our married life for this one that is consistent and family oriented. I have stopped worrying so intently that my children are going to grow up without Fred, scarred by me, and am learning that peace has no price. Maybe, with his calming presence now here during the most stressful times of day, I will be reminded more often to work hard on me, so I can get to the point where I'm dancing through the house proclaiming that I feel pretty inside, all of the time, too.