It has been an emotionally exhausting couple of weeks. I have felt resistant to being released from my stake calling and a little resentful toward my Bishop for "calling me home". I have felt like the child, who's parents call them in from playing, for seemingly no good reason and everyone else in the neighborhood gets to continue the game. In my head I know that this is a church of change and revelation. I know that all things come to an end and these men in our ward, who I have sustained, are called of God. I even know that my feelings are wrong, but they have been there just the same, making the emotions even more complicated, because not only have I been fighting change (which you know I am no good at), I have been fighting myself. My prayers have been full of pleas to help me not to be hard hearted and receive the confirmation that this change is actually from the Lord, not just a "good idea" from men. The sad truth is that had this been my former Bishop "calling me home", or even our stake president "sending me home", I know I would have still been sad, but wouldn't have had any doubts, which is a definite indication that I haven't yet searched out the confirmation that I didn't even realize was missing because it had not as yet been put to the test.
A week ago, Friday, Mikayla wanted to work on a Personal Progress goal together. Normally, I really enjoy that, but even that seemed painful, because the release also put an end to my receiving my Leaders Young Women Medallion and I was so close to accomplishing that goal. However, I immediately set the goal to continue working and earn the medallion as a mother, which will just open another window of opportunity--an even better one. There were lots of scriptures to read and discuss and Dad and I were supposed to be going on a date, but he said to go ahead and he would wait. The first scripture Mikayla looked up and real aloud was Ezekiel 36:26-27. It said, "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them." And I KNEW He was talking to me. When Mikayla and I finished we went to Carino's and shared a plate of Nacho's while Fred listened to me bare my heart, which helped me to work things out in my head. Afterward we went over to Walmart to pick up some things for Eden, and way out in Eagle, I saw my Bishop standing in line. I had been waiting all week, scared for the phone to ring and now I was scared he would turn around and see me and say something and I would burst into tears in the middle of Walmart, so I begged Dad not to get his attention. But I know just the odds of seeing him there, so far from home, was part of a continual process of Heavenly Father trying to talk to me this week and prepare me for things to come. (I know Josh and Dave and Nate are all heaving huge sighs of relief that I am not in their wards!)
A week ago Sunday, before Sacrament mtg. started, our high councilman informed me that he was there to make the release official. I felt strong and thought that I would be alright, but when he made the announcement and sat down, Dad reached over and took my hand and then the tears came in torrents. I tried to sing the sacrament song, but couldn't even see the words until the 3rd verse and then I sang these words:
"As now we praise thy name with song, The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts, And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We'll walk thy chosen way."
And there was another, very personal confirmation from the Lord (who never gives up on us, no matter how shortsighted and stubborn we are) that this change was from Him.
After sacrament meeting, the first counselor in the Bishopric asked if he could meet with Fred and I after church. I had a remaining presentation for a lingering stake assignment in another ward in a different building which started the emotions again and when I finally rushed back to our building Fred and the counselor were waiting for me. Initially the counselor started asking Fred about his current calling and I realized that it was more than small talk and for a brief minute I relaxed and thought that if they had called me "home" because they needed Fred to serve somewhere then I could totally understand the timing and just as I was working that out in my head, the counselor said that we were being called together to serve together as ward missionaries. I will not lie--my first thought was surprise then disappointment. "This was urgent?! And then he started to explain that what we were being asked to do was to oversee all of the young single adult youth in the ward, focusing specifically on those who were still trying to transition successfully. With tears he shared personal concerns about his own children of those ages and children of our Bishop within those ages and I felt a powerful witness that not only where we were being called to serve, but that we were being called together was truly inspired.
Monday morning I started reading through the handbook to get a firm handle on my exact assignments, but there was only one paragraph on ward missionaries and the description did not fit at all what he had asked us to do. I need handbook guidelines (you know--the black and white thing) and was feeling a little frustrated, so I started researching "Young Single Adults" in the handbook and found the exact, very detailed description of what the counselor had asked us to do, but under a different calling, which left me confused. I showed Fred that evening and he was also confused. We were finally able to touch bases with the counselor and share our feelings and this morning we were sustained as The Young Single Adult Advisors/ Ward Missionaries with the guidance that our Main role and focus be on the first part of the calling and that we help "fill in the gaps" where needed in the second part of the calling.
It has been a long journey, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for this opportunity. I am so grateful to be serving with Fred again. Our lives have become so busy that it will be a tremendous blessing to have our callings be "one". And I am profoundly grateful to continue to serve with the youth. In the last Regional Auxiliary Training we were told that the church is now launching a "rescue mission" because we are losing so many of the young people once they leave YW/YM. Fred and I are now an integral part of that. We were set apart today and both given beautiful blessings. We are motivated and excited. Our home teachers came last week and gave a lesson on member missionary work. They didn't know then about our calling. Answers continue to come. I guess this is a missionary time in our family life and we all have to "forget [our]selve[s] and go to work." I am grateful to Jordan for paving the way and to Mikayla for making it personal. Jet will be baptized on February 5th. He has come a long way--I think we have too.
I passed " the test" during ward conference today, as I walked through a hall lined with stake visitors, including the youth council with a few tears, but no regret. I am glad to finally be pushing past the "self" part so I can get back "to work".
A week ago, Friday, Mikayla wanted to work on a Personal Progress goal together. Normally, I really enjoy that, but even that seemed painful, because the release also put an end to my receiving my Leaders Young Women Medallion and I was so close to accomplishing that goal. However, I immediately set the goal to continue working and earn the medallion as a mother, which will just open another window of opportunity--an even better one. There were lots of scriptures to read and discuss and Dad and I were supposed to be going on a date, but he said to go ahead and he would wait. The first scripture Mikayla looked up and real aloud was Ezekiel 36:26-27. It said, "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them." And I KNEW He was talking to me. When Mikayla and I finished we went to Carino's and shared a plate of Nacho's while Fred listened to me bare my heart, which helped me to work things out in my head. Afterward we went over to Walmart to pick up some things for Eden, and way out in Eagle, I saw my Bishop standing in line. I had been waiting all week, scared for the phone to ring and now I was scared he would turn around and see me and say something and I would burst into tears in the middle of Walmart, so I begged Dad not to get his attention. But I know just the odds of seeing him there, so far from home, was part of a continual process of Heavenly Father trying to talk to me this week and prepare me for things to come. (I know Josh and Dave and Nate are all heaving huge sighs of relief that I am not in their wards!)
A week ago Sunday, before Sacrament mtg. started, our high councilman informed me that he was there to make the release official. I felt strong and thought that I would be alright, but when he made the announcement and sat down, Dad reached over and took my hand and then the tears came in torrents. I tried to sing the sacrament song, but couldn't even see the words until the 3rd verse and then I sang these words:
"As now we praise thy name with song, The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts, And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We'll walk thy chosen way."
And there was another, very personal confirmation from the Lord (who never gives up on us, no matter how shortsighted and stubborn we are) that this change was from Him.
After sacrament meeting, the first counselor in the Bishopric asked if he could meet with Fred and I after church. I had a remaining presentation for a lingering stake assignment in another ward in a different building which started the emotions again and when I finally rushed back to our building Fred and the counselor were waiting for me. Initially the counselor started asking Fred about his current calling and I realized that it was more than small talk and for a brief minute I relaxed and thought that if they had called me "home" because they needed Fred to serve somewhere then I could totally understand the timing and just as I was working that out in my head, the counselor said that we were being called together to serve together as ward missionaries. I will not lie--my first thought was surprise then disappointment. "This was urgent?! And then he started to explain that what we were being asked to do was to oversee all of the young single adult youth in the ward, focusing specifically on those who were still trying to transition successfully. With tears he shared personal concerns about his own children of those ages and children of our Bishop within those ages and I felt a powerful witness that not only where we were being called to serve, but that we were being called together was truly inspired.
Monday morning I started reading through the handbook to get a firm handle on my exact assignments, but there was only one paragraph on ward missionaries and the description did not fit at all what he had asked us to do. I need handbook guidelines (you know--the black and white thing) and was feeling a little frustrated, so I started researching "Young Single Adults" in the handbook and found the exact, very detailed description of what the counselor had asked us to do, but under a different calling, which left me confused. I showed Fred that evening and he was also confused. We were finally able to touch bases with the counselor and share our feelings and this morning we were sustained as The Young Single Adult Advisors/ Ward Missionaries with the guidance that our Main role and focus be on the first part of the calling and that we help "fill in the gaps" where needed in the second part of the calling.
It has been a long journey, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for this opportunity. I am so grateful to be serving with Fred again. Our lives have become so busy that it will be a tremendous blessing to have our callings be "one". And I am profoundly grateful to continue to serve with the youth. In the last Regional Auxiliary Training we were told that the church is now launching a "rescue mission" because we are losing so many of the young people once they leave YW/YM. Fred and I are now an integral part of that. We were set apart today and both given beautiful blessings. We are motivated and excited. Our home teachers came last week and gave a lesson on member missionary work. They didn't know then about our calling. Answers continue to come. I guess this is a missionary time in our family life and we all have to "forget [our]selve[s] and go to work." I am grateful to Jordan for paving the way and to Mikayla for making it personal. Jet will be baptized on February 5th. He has come a long way--I think we have too.
I passed " the test" during ward conference today, as I walked through a hall lined with stake visitors, including the youth council with a few tears, but no regret. I am glad to finally be pushing past the "self" part so I can get back "to work".
