Now Is The Time

Spring break was wonderful! Just enough clouds and rain to make us want to cozy together under quilts we were tying and watch long Victorian movies and just enough sunshine to be enticed to dig in the dirt and lounge, arms spread wide on a hammock, feeling incomparably grateful for the promise of warmth. Unfortunately Fred had to work all week, but the kids and I were able to just relax and do whatever we wanted. We worked on goals and callings, visited cousins and friends, shopped, read, watched movies, played games, had a family barbecue, and had the missionaries and Jet over. He made the comment to me on Thursday that it must have been a hard week with all the kids home all day. That seems to be a common mis-perception and I'm not sure why people think that--I LOVE having my kids home! 

By far my favorite thing this week was being together as a family (I knew Jordan was doing the same thing, so our family felt complete) and watching conference. It is so inspiring to sit at the feet of prophets and feel the Spirit continuously for two full days. As it was wrapping up and Elder Holland was speaking I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face-- the Spirit was so intense. He has a tremendous gift to be able to draw on the powers of heaven like he does. There were so many messages that touched me. I was especially moved by Elder Scott's talk on eternal family relationships and the profundity of Elder Lynn G. Robbins talk on being and doing. I loved Elder Uchtdorf's symbolism of the road to Damascus and Elder Bednar's object lesson about time lapse and intensity of light. I was so surprised and pleased with the Meridian temple announcement. Only Utah has anything that close together. Fred is positive he knows where it is going to be built. It will be interesting to watch the construction unfold and see if he is right. The excitement of that announcement fueled my motivation to follow Pres. Monson's call to follow Pres. Kimball's suggestion to post temple pictures in every bedroom. It has taken me years just to get one in the living room, and I finally got one framed and one my wall a few weeks ago, but I will just keep moving forward. I was excited to learn, from Elder Eyring, about the welfare projects that each of us will be involved in this year and to recommit to my covenants to help those who are less fortunate. I was grateful for the reminders to attend the temple more often, be more attentive to my devotions on the sabbath day and regain childlike attributes. I was comforted by promises of peace and healing through our trials and strengthened in my role as a woman. I was reminded of the monumental importance of simple gospel truths like faith and testimony and the sacredness and importance of this name which the church bears and which we have taken upon ourselves. I was emboldened by the call to hone my desires, firm up my integrity and reach high expectations and humbled by the profound, ponderous truth that all these things are possible because of the atonement that is available to each of us. 

I invited Jet over both days to experience conference. I am learning that he is not a boy that says no readily so I try not to be too overpowering. =) I think he enjoys being here, but that many meetings in a row was new for him and he was exhausted by Saturday night and by Sunday night I think Mikayla was exhausted from being hostess. =) He is very young, his testimony is fledgling and based more on logical, intellectual fact than feelings and I think emotional reactions to the Spirit in our home are a little confusing for him (oh, who's kidding who--my emotions are a little confusing for everybody, including me=) but I think his familiarity with spiritual feelings will come with time as he continues to learn and do and become. His life is still dominated by violent computer gaming, and books and media which sound dark and oppressing, but I know learning comes line upon line. I am sure there are many who are more spiritually mature than I that could probably look on my some of my choices the same way, but we each have to learn on our own, through our own experiences, how to increase the light in our own lives. No one can learn that for us.

Sometimes that concept is frustrating to me; things can seem so clear to some and so impossibly murky to others. A few weeks ago, Mikayla was trying to program an excel spreadsheet to conform with my budgeting method. She is smart and persistent, but she isn't overly familiar with Excel and it was a complicated thing I was asking her to do. At one point a mathematical computation was not making sense to me (not a real shocker, I know =). Mikayla could prove that the computation had been performed correctly, so she could make sense of it and tried to explain the concept to me without a glimmer of success. We went over it numerous times until we were both a little frustrated. At that point, Fred came home from work and Mikayla explained the dilemma to him and because the computer said she was right, he could immediately see her point of view so he tried to explain it to me, without any luck. I really wanted to understand and I tried so hard to wrap my mind around what he was trying to explain to me and with complete patience, he tried various different ways to portray his point of view, but I COULD NOT grasp the concept, and was so frustrated that I was on the verge of tears and finally, in frustration, knowing my math deficiencies and Fred and Mikayla's superior understanding I decided to accept what they were telling me to do, even though it made no sense, trusting their experience and the computer's "intelligence". That is a hard thing to do! I had to run an errand, so left Mikayla working on other parts of the program and while I was gone she found a simple error in my transfer amounts which changed the math problem and in a moment was able to see that what I was trying to convey had been correct but because my information was skewed it messed up a function which was also correct. Within minutes of my return, Fred, Mikayla and I were seeing clearly and unitedly. The parallel is a bit of a jump, but I learned a few gospel principles from that experience. First that kindness and patience are essential characteristics in strengthening our relationships with each other. Even though each of our sights were skewed, our relationships, in that instance, were not. I felt loved by their honest, unpatronizing, extended efforts to help me and when the real truths were found there was no need for apologies on anyone's part. I also learned that no matter how right or wrong, we cannot force anyone to see our point of view. Points of view are colored by experience, by maturity and levels of understanding, by who we choose to trust and why and sometimes by mis perceptions and inaccuracies. I gave up on something I felt strongly about because I assumed that others knew best, but when we gain true wisdom we realize that we can't put our trust in "man" no matter how intelligent or experienced, but in God alone, who is truly omnipotent, and only then can we call our choices "faith". Over the years I have learned things for myself that I wish I could "make" others "see" and "see" things that others have learned that I wish I "knew", but that testimony isn't available by proxy. So, I have to keep reminding myself, "line upon line, precept upon precept". That is the whole purpose for our every single day.

Thursday, Fred and I went visiting our young single adults. We were able to talk to a young woman, who is trying to get back to college in a few weeks, and visit with the mother of a young man who is "drifting" It felt good to actually be doing something instead of just planning the doing, but conference reminded me that not even doing is enough. 

Last night Sis. Fisher called to talk to Mikayla and I happened to answer the phone. We talked for a few minutes about conference and about Jordan and about Young Women and then I handed the phone to Mikayala and cried in Fred's arms. And it finally hit me that what I miss so acutely is that constant, POWERFUL confirmation of the spirit that I felt continuously for almost 4 years because of the abundant programs and meetings that I was a part of almost daily. And now I have to WORK for that feeling, instead of it being consistently handed to me on a silver platter. It was like listening to conference for 4 years. And now I feel like it is the Monday after, which it literally is,=) and I have to get back to work and the "real" world. Well, you know what I've always quoted, "I am blessed with work". Now is the time to prove that.

FAVORITE QUOTE NOTES FROM CONFERENCE:

--"To do" without "to be" is hypocrisy and portrays a false image to others; "to be" without "to do" is void and portrays a false image to self.

--Never let failure be confused with identity

  (both from Elder Lynn G. Robbins)

--In this conference you may find a personal, prophetic epistle just for you.

  (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

--Live the full feminine splendor of righteousness.

  (Elder Richard G. Scott)

--Those who cannot endure chastening, will not receive sanctification.

--It is not about what we have done, but about what we have become.

  (both from Elder D. Todd Christofferson)

--Kindness is the essence of greatness and the fundamental characteristic of the noblest men and women.

  (Elder M. Russel Ballard)

--Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our actions, actions determine who we will become.

  (Elder. Dallin H. Oaks)

--Move forward with faith--do not wait too long on the road to Damascus.

 (Elder Deiter F. Uchtdorf)