I apologize beforehand for this essay length narrative, but I had such a sweet, spiritual experience yesterday, that I wanted to remember, and which needs a detailed preface to give it depth.
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For over a month I have had some serious concerns on my mind; things of great eternal significance. They are personal trials, but weighty enough to be crushing, if handled without a spiritual perspective, and somehow—miraculously, I have kept my focus where it needs to be and have been guided so specifically through inspired council in stake and general conferences and through personal scripture study that I have felt amazing peace in the midst of these personal tempests. And then, this past week, at the height of feeling that life was once again moving in the right direction, I got sick with the flu, which should have been a minor thing. I don't usually let sickness beat me. Even with the body aches and congested head I fast walked my 2 miles with Olive the 1st and 2nd day, determined to fight it, but by day 3, when it hadn't let up at all, I stayed in my pajamas all day and canceled my mutual visit that evening. Looking back now I see that was the start of chinks in my armor. I didn't recognize them for what they were then, but I can see now that when I gave in to physical frustrations, the adversary saw an opportunity to sneak in some punches, while I was down. That morning, during scripture study I read over my patriarchal blessing and the defeating thought came to me that had I been more strictly obedient about certain council in there that I wouldn't be struggling with specific trials right now, that it was my own fault and I deserved what I got. And as the week progressed, other, unimportant things started to seem very important and I started having thoughts like, "I've done everything I was supposed to do and look where it's gotten me emotionally, spiritually, financially etc. By Sunday morning, the flu still hadn't let up and the physical exhaustion started giving way to spiritual exhaustion as I pondered my full day of continuous mtgs. from 1:00-6:00. In that state, even the mirror became an enemy and all it took was for Fred to walk in and make a positive comment about how I looked, for me to come completely apart at the seams and then I had the discouraging experience of having to get ready all over again.
We did finally make it to church and after the second time of having to leave sacrament mtg., because I couldn't stop coughing, I started to feel sorry for myself and think about going home and skipping all of my mtgs. And then the little, destructive thoughts started…(I don't have the stamina for this—it's asking too much of me— it won't make any difference if I'm there or not, because I don't have anything valuable to contribute anyway.) But, because it was easier to stay than to figure out transportation, I stayed—and because Mikayla also had to go to the preceeding mtgs. I followed her. Then, as the ward conference we were attending ended I remembered that I had a temple recommend interview with a councilor in our bishopric, in our building, which was downtown. I told my YW President I would be right back, hopefully before I had to report on my assignment, and I rushed over to the other building in our truck, with the cold air streaming in the door because it no longer has a seal and the windshield wipers on because the knob is broken and I couldn't find the pliers to turn them off. The interview with Bro. Wagoner was short and I somehow stayed composed, but as I left his office I realized that this was the last week that the stake would be holding temple recommend interviews before October was over and if I didn't go up there my recommend would be expired for a week in November. And suddenly the words, "the bridegroom cometh" came so forcefully into my mind with the image of the unprepared virgins that I knew I had to go straight to the stake center, even though I was supposed to be at another mtg., where they would be waiting for my report. Interviews are set from 3:30-5:30 and it was 4:45 when I left our building. I managed to finally get the windshield wipers off, right as it began to rain and even though I pulled over and tried with all my might I couldn't get them back on. It didn't really matter because even if I could have seen through the windshield my eyes were blurry anyway. I made it to the stake center, went straight to the bathroom and dried my face and then walked to the stake waiting area which was filled and overflowing out into the hall. The stake executive secretary, gave me a number card (#16) and I sat down to wait. As is usual, only the councilors were doing recommend interviews as the stake president was busy with other things, one of which was setting an Elder apart. I know, because Pres. Evans came out looking for a box of Kleenex and then a few minutes later a weeping mother came out of his office followed by her husband and a sharp looking 19 year old young man whom I recognized. How I held it together as they walked past I'll never know, but I did and then Bro. Baker called for the person who had #10 to go into one of the councilors offices and then, ahead of 5, other people he came out and said, "Sister Bloomquist, Pres. Evans would like to see you in his office." Of course, Pres. Evans doesn't know my struggles of the past month—there is no need for him to know, and I'm sure in his mind he may have thought this was just an opportune time to get some insight about the young women from a stake leader who happened to be sitting in the foyer, because as I came into his office he asked me questions about my concerns for the young women and then he asked me input into council for the young men in our stake and then proceeded with my temple recommend interview. I answered all of the questions, and then he held my recommend out in front of me and said, "this recommend has two great purposes—one is obviously that it will get you into the temple, where I council you to go as often as possible, but the other is that it is the Lord's recommend and is an absolute witness to you that he finds you worthy. Because of that, Satan will try to deceive you and tell you that you aren't worthy enough, that your service isn't enough, that other people's bad choices are your fault. That is a lie! Don't you listen to his lies, because you have answered these questions truthfully and the Lord has found you worthy." I left his office weepy, something I am sure he sees continually from emotional women, and I'm sure he had no idea that he had been a direct answer to prayer by being so specific in his words that I could not deny their impact, that his inspired council was the means of restoring light and clarity to my mind and giving renewed purpose and vision enough for me to say, "Get thee hence, Satan!" It was more than a tender mercy and will be another concrete evidence to hold onto that my Heavenly Father is uniquely mindful of me and loves me individually and wants us to have no part in discouragement or despair.
I still don't feel at my physical prime. I know I need to be vigilant, that Satan won't ease his onslaught, just because I had a spiritual experience and could see things as they were, so clearly for a moment. That was made apparent to me early this morning as the girls headed to the temple, before any of us thought about it being closed on Mondays, and the car's engine seemed to seize as they were headed back. I could once again feel the adversary's discouraging influence working on my mind, but even though I don't have all the solutions in front of me, I can feel the Lord's hand as the words from the hymn go through my mind, "I will not doubt, I will not fear, Gods love and strength are always near. His promised gift helps me to find, an inner strength and peace of mind…" And I remember so many of my blessings; that I have an incredible, worthy, 19 year old son on a mission, giving 2 years of his life to the Lord and an amazing 17 year old daughter who I know is prepared to soon make her way in the world and teaching me life lessons every day--that I have a 14 year old ray of sunshine, who is striving to do what is right, and making great strides in discovering her divinity and helping me to discover mine-- at a time when so many youth are falling away to the weighty influences of the world--that I have 10 year old son who often exhibits the compassion of Christ in my behalf--and 6 year old daughters who have been a true gift, and every day, validate my role as mother--that I have a husband who is humble and meek, and teachable and who instills within me the desire to overcome my weaknesses—that my temporal comforts are abundant, no matter how poorly my cars run and how many times my budget won't work on paper—and most important of all that the atonement is accessible and personal and vibrantly at work in my life. "All is well, all is well".
