Wide Eyed Surprise

For months now I have been preparing emotional fortifications, trying to gear up for Mikayla's departure and the deep pangs of the "separation anxiety" that I struggled with as a first time missionary mom, and a fledgling college parent and when Jordan decided to leave this summer as well, I thought I might as well throw in the stability towel. But, to my joyful, wide eyed surprise, I have had an unexpected motherly experience these last 2 weeks with Mikayla being in the MTC and Jordan being in Pennsylvania. I even made it through the missionary curbside ordeal with only running tears, but not body racking sobs, and I was thinking that maybe I was getting better because of previous experience, but Fred proved the infallibility of that thought as he experienced letting his little girl go with unusual agony and confirmed, once again, that the binding father/daughter--mother/son relationships are unique and vulnerable and previous experience at "letting go" may never make those milestone partings easier. But, other than a burst of tears on my knees in the raspberry bushes, missing Mikayla's steady loyalty beside me and the lump in my throat that often seems to form when I journal and ponder, I have had such a glad and happy heart, with barely an emotional implosion to my discredit....until today.

Today, I had the odd, raw realization that I was missing me! When Jordan left on his mission I was instantly aware that I missed serving him because he was so appreciative of everything I did--even more than was deserved, which says more about Jordan than about me. He made me feel needed and then I wasn't--as much. That was hard. But, sadly and selfishly I have become aware that the tables have been turned and it is now the service I was rendered that I am pining for. The constant help with my daily technological troubles, long talks about deep emotions, gentle guidance to keep faith and hope in mothering, a friend to share the sometimes mundane tasks of housekeeping, while discussing the doctrines of the gospel or the characteristics of psychological theories. I feel a little floundering now, like my mind is becoming stagnant from the lack of sharing. The movie Shadowlands offered a profound thought: "We read to know we're not alone". I do...and I write, but it's not the same as that two-way interconnectedness. Jordan is a devoted son and calls his mother almost every day and I just feel this incredible peace that my missionary girl is quite literally in the arms of her Savior and I am truly so joyful for the paths they are both taking, but I guess, no matter how many times they leave, I will always miss my children.

There are however, some transformations here at home to occupy my happy attentions. Eden and I have made a deal. Well, actually I extended a kind of challenge dare and she bought into it quite nicely. I would get everything of Mikayla's out of her bedroom (a challenge in and of itself) by midnight if she would keep it "mother clean" for a month! The mother clause made her hesitate, but she was determined to make a conquest and I'm happy to declare her the victor, for a week. Fred took down Mikayla's bed and I took out everything else, which turned out to be quite a collection (and of course that didn't include any of her college boxes which are in the garage or any of the contents she took with her on her mission)! And now, my "Cinderelli" has returned and restored the cavern, that is sometimes her room, into a place of warmth and cleanliness and has been happily offering to help with her share of cleaning around the house before she heads off to her constant barrage of social engagements. It is such a nice change to walk by her room, without feeling an irritated knot in my stomach, and have it be the cleanest place in the house. I think it has been a win-win for both of us. Someone once said that it only takes 21 days to form a habit, so I was counting on her eventually getting 30 under her belt, hoping it would stick, but I just picked up a book today that claims the 21 day "magic" is unscientific balderdash...I'm still crossing my fingers. =)

My children are out of school for summer vacation! The weather isn't cooperating completely with the start of summer vacation, but I am so thrilled to have my children home and to be able to enjoy a less structured schedule. Libraries and parks are favorite go-to places to anticipate upcoming hours of enjoyment, but my all time favorite memories of summer are backyard moments in the hammock reading together, outdoor dinners, working in the yard while my children climb trees, bury each other in the sandbox, and run about immersed in imaginary games. And when the birds add their voices to my children's laughter, I imprint those moments on my heart as precious, fleeting memories!

We were able to attend Boise Music Week's production of "South Pacific" as a family last week and got to visit with Lori's family during intermission. What a great opportunity to experience that kind of cultural entertainment for free, that we can rarely afford under regular circumstances. The play wasn't spotless--there was some unsavory language--but other than that disappointment, which I was prepared for, I thought they did a honorable job of keeping it clean and modest and family friendly.

Hyrum called me the morning after I returned from dropping Mikayla off from the MTC and just hours after saying goodbye to Jordan. He wanted to see how committed I was to keeping my roots in Middleton as he had a friend getting ready to put some acreage with a larger home and a "red barn" on the market in Kuna. He has a nostalgic dreamer heart like mine but not my fears. I assured him that wild horses could not drag me from this town, even for that utopic scene, but he was determined to see me at least explore my dreams and wouldn't let me off the phone until he had put me through "the missionary commitment pattern" and I promised to call his real estate agent (who happens to be Sis. Walker from our farm home ward) within 15 minutes of hanging up with him and just talk to her. I mentioned before that I was feeling a bit fragile and vulnerable and so my stubborn, dig in my heels personality characteristics were in a sort of remission and I promised. I called her and we talked about Middleton and farm girl roots and the future and new generations...and fear... and I nearly "cried twice" (a little Sabrina reference there.) =) That conversation made me think progressively for the last two weeks. I am not sure what kind of time and sacrifices it will take to get us where we want to be in those kind of future goals, but she called back today and set up an appointment to talk next week. The worst she can tell us is that we're dreamers, and we already know that, so it should be no big deal, but I'm anxious all the same.

Saturday was Fred's 46th birthday and it felt packed from Sunup to sundown with food and festivities. It was so nice to have no other obligations and have our remaining family together enjoying whatever Fred wanted to do: visits to Powell's Sweet Shoppe, the Boise Public Library, Kathryn Albertson's Park, watching a movie and eating, which always involves hours of cooking. I could barely keep my eyes open when we shut everything down at midnight, but it was bonding and memorable, which makes all of the effort worth it to me.

Early Monday morning, Fred and I got a phone call from Mikayla! She was preparing to board the plane at 5:45 a.m., to Denver. She sounded happy and vulnerable and excited and nervous. It was so early and short that we didn't wake the kids and they were a little sad that they didn't get to hear her. She's a brave girl to do this hard thing! At her age I wasn't nearly so mature or full of faith. I'm still not.

A few days ago, our 3 youngest children learned about the divorce of our darling family friends and the looks of horror on their faces was wrenching. Each of our hearts have been so positively affected by the service of this couple as counselors in our Bishopric and Relief Society presidency, as beloved Primary teachers and as dedicated YM/YW leaders, not to mention mentor friends, so this disruption has been confusing and unfathomable. The devastation is swirling into a whirlpool of sadness as their missionary son, out only a year, came home yesterday due to the heartaches at home.The unexpected shock has left each of us feeling insecure in our own ways, but a few things I still know for sure. Agency is a gift, that is only personal, but never circumstantial. Learning to work through hard things and endure well to the end is a blessing that will always, though sometimes only eventually, reap abundantly what it sows. Exact obedience and pure love of God is the only way to learn true love for others, and will always bring eternal joy, though sometimes not until eternity. The world, ironically, wants us to continue believing in our juvenile delusions that marriage is a fairy tale. It's not. There is no fairy dust that suddenly transforms us into Kings and Queens. We have to work for it, and it's hard! It involves learning to lean on each other instead of blaming. It consists of lifting each other up instead of tearing each other down. It involves supporting each others dreams until they merge into joint ones. It's about selflessness and sacrifice and service. Because if we can't weather the stormy seas together we'll never mature and progress enough to truly appreciate the serenity of calm waters on our own. The only discrepancy with me spouting all of these euphemism's is that I'm still in the infancy of learning to apply them. What was it that the biblical father said? "I believe; help thou mine unbelief." In truth I guess all that I can really affirm is that in my own heart I have made an unalterable choice. And through the mortal mountains and valleys that have been these last 23 years and will hopefully continue to be the next 40-60 (because by then even I may have figured things out), that choice is Fred!

Favorite, Favorite, FAVORITES!

Boise Music Week--"South Pacific" at the Morrison Center

Last day of 3rd grade

An hour later--carving pencil's out of sticks--and missing school =)

Last day of Junior year

Celebrating summer vacation by burying Lily

Cleaning Mikayla out of her bedroom

Happy 46th Birthday Freddy!

His "just call me Duke" pose

 

Lily and Sophia won first place and second place for 3rd grade girls in their school's mile run--and so childlike passed their medals on to their father for his birthday!

Modeling his birthday gifts   Enjoying his two day chocolate cake. Yummm!   Fred wanted steak for his b-day dinner. I don't cook slabs of meat, except fish, EVER, so Fred was the B-B-Q chef and ALL of the girls  were squeamish. This was his and Abe's 4th and final attempt to convince  me that steak was palatable. "Well done" Fred--in every sense of the word! =)