Having and Holding

We had a sisters luncheon (Lori, Renee, Marg, Liz and I) to celebrate Lori's b-day this past Friday. I went over early to curl her hair because she can't presently bend her arm past a 45 degree angle. Curling someone else's hair with tools that you're not familiar with never goes that grand, but she was a good sport and let me do my thing. For the past couple of weeks she has been dealing with a major infection in her arm that started at her elbow (for an unknown reason) and spread quickly to her wrist. When I saw it, it looked similar to Dad's when he had staff quite a few years ago--kinda scary--but they haven't diagnosed hers as staff. It did get quite aggressive and her doctor sent her to the emergency room for immediate antibiotics. When I saw her the infection and swelling had gone down significantly and she was no longer in writhing pain, but she had an adverse reaction to the medication and broke out in hives that have been making her crazy for days. She told me she is fine and that she has no right to complain because people in her ward are dying of cancer. That is so like Lori to continually be thinking of someone else and trying to be strong for everybody else. She is such a great example of having a charitable heart, but that can be awfully exhausting when you are struggling yourself. Of course she's human and gets feeling overwhelmed some evenings when she's not so crazy busy with her little children, and with trying to lift everyone else's burdens around her. I shared the quote, "People cry not because they're weak, but because they have been strong far too long." with Renee last week and told her it fit Lori like a glove. She agree that it was "perfect". Of course Lori will be mad at me for talking about her like this; she doesn't like that kind of attention...but she deserves it just the same. Love you Lulu. Hang in there!

Our ward mission leader has challenged each ward missionary or couple to visit 2 ward members a week and help motivate people about our Stake President's challenge to make a new friend, "no strings attached", this year. I am still evaluating what the challenge means to me personally and with my personality am having to dig deep to get a definitive picture of that, but while I am pondering it all, Fred and I both feel passionate about getting feedback and insight from the thoughts and feelings of others and are excited about asking for
direction rather than extolling it. It feels less intrusive somehow and so far the reception to that mindset has been positive. I'm not sure that is exactly the direction our mission leader had in mind, but it's the direction we feel inspired to take and hopefully that process can start changing some misperceptions of our religion and knock us out of our self imposed cliquishness. It may be smooth sailing for some and a long road for others, but we can all improve on reaching out.

I am having some mental shock waves, realizing that Abrahm will  turn 12 in July? He is eligible to go to Scout camp this summer, if we decide to send him, though he doesn't seem very excited about going camping without Fred and it is 4 times as expensive as Girls Camp, but the fact that he is invited is alarming. It feels so odd that he will be a deacon and priesthood holder in just a little over 5 months. The transition from 10-12 seems so incredulous and abrupt. We have started to leave him infrequently, for very brief time periods to watch the girls, when Eden isn't available. So strange how time stands still for no man.

Mikayla is coming home for a visit this weekend and we are all giddy around here. At least one of us talks on the phone or Skype or texts or chats with her almost every day, which has been such a boon, and so different than Jordan at college,=) but it is just not the same as "having and holding". Our families are so precious!

I spent hours online and on the phone talking to BYU counselors about going back to school this week. I keep going through this same process and there are all these roadblocks that I keep hitting that halt me from actually enrolling in class. Many are financial, some are lack of exact direction, but in the end it all comes down to fear. I'm scared of the risks. I'm scared of not being up to the task. I'm scared of failing. In short, I'm scared of investing in me, when I have such hopes, yet feel so vulnerable and know that there are so many other important things that need "invested" in.  I have spent so many of the last 20 years being courageous for other people--such an easier kind of courage, thus less courageous, and now I am at a time of life personally, in my family roles and in my calling where the need for courage is turning inward and I find my confidence waning. It seems like the older I get the more my weaknesses become flashing strobe lights in my mind, distorting my perceptions. I'm sure at some point, hopefully soon, the steady lights will turn back on, the strobes will be shut down and the jerking shadows will fade away, but right now it's just giving me a headache.=)

Beside all of the self consciousness, I am well; we are all well... and happy.

Quotes of the week: "On the earth, even in the darkest night, the light never wholly abandons his rule. It is diffused and subtle, but little as may remain, the retina of the eye is sensible of it."--Jules Verne

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called." -- A.A. Milne